Family Matters S02, Ep03 – Marriage 101

Show: Family Matters
Season: 2
Episode: 3
Title: Marriage 101
Original Air Date: September 28, 1990


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Favorite Quotes:

* Harriet: I want to look perfect. Carl and I haven’t had a romantic dinner date since the Carter administration.

* Carl: You’re not going to wear that are you?
Harriet: Of course not. I’ll just slip into something more comfortable, like a helmet and shin guards.

* Mother Winslow: Carl is my son and in my eyes he can do no wrong, but he’s your husband and you should have knocked him into next week.

* Eddie: Lose your sense of humor Mrs. Urkel?
Laura: Is that your face or did your neck throw up?

* Steve: You know in the back of your fridge I found an interesting specimen growing on the back of a cheese wheel.

* Laura: Steve, we’re supposed to grade each other on this project and right now you’re staring down the barrel of an F.

* Laura: Steve, I want a divorce. Go home to your mother.

* Steve: Laura, I know I’m not worthy of you but I just can’t help loving you.

* Harriet: One thing for sure, he never takes you for granted.
Laura: I wish he would. I’m all Urkeled out.

* Steve: Snookums you do love me!!
Laura: What have I done?!?!


Synopsis: Eddie has wrapped up Steve like a mummy. Carl comes home and to shut Steve up bandages his mouth too. Another day and Harriet comes down the stairs looking amazing. Carl comes in with hockey tickets and Harriet is not happy. At school, Miss Stueben is trying to teach, but Steve is in the class. She and Steve wind up having a lively debate. She announces that everyone is going to be married for two weeks. Steve wants Laura. At the house, Harriet’s got a big bandage on her forehead. She got hit in the head with a hockey puck. She thinks that they are going out to dinner, but instead he’s going to a bachelor party. He leaves the kitchen and Harriet remembers some of the romantic things he use to do that he doesn’t anymore. She’s worried. It’s now the day they found out who their spouses will be in their class. Laure gets Steve. And then she faints at the news. At dinner that night, Ritchie comments about Carl being in trouble. Laura comes home late. The whole family hums the wedding march. Shortly after, Urkel appeals and ruins everyone appetite. The living room is overrun with adulations of love to Laura. It’s the last night “married” for the school project and Steve puts on some romantic music. He tries to kiss her and she throws him on the floor. She asks him to leave and he gives her a ring. It’s a real diamond. She doesn’t want to accept it as she feels its too much. When he tells her it was only $800 she goes into a meltdown. He responds with some sweet words and she cries. She goes out to talk to her mom, still upset. They have a talk. Carl overhears Harriet say how lucky she is that he loves her enough to show her. Back in class, we hear different stories about the “marriages” that took place. Steve gives Laura a short, but glowing, review. Laura lists all of Steve’s bad qualities, but then surprises everyone by giving him an A+. Carl comes home and greets Harriet. She is still upset. He tells her that he overheard her conversation with Laura. He apologizes, tells her he has dinner reservations and then gives her the diamond ring.

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Family Matters S02, Ep02 – Torn Between Two Lovers

Show: Family Matters
Season: 2
Episode: 2
Title: Torn Between Two Lovers
Original Air Date: September 21, 1990


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Favorite Quotes:

* Steve: Eddie, is this a bad time?
Eddie: Steve I just got dumped.
Steve: Oh good, then you’re free.

* Rachel: You know how people talk when a mature woman dates a younger man.
Mother Winslow: Story of my life.

* Steve: I have reason to believe a certain woman is falling in love with me.
Carl: Well, we can be sure it’s not Laura.

* Carl: It doesn’t look like Laura’s going to be falling into your arms anytime this century.

* Rachel: Steve, I think your cummerbund is on a little too tight.

* Rachel: You’re right Steve. It is Laura you love. Let’s always remember that.

* Mother Winslow: This place is packed tighter than a Cuban cigar.


Synopsis: At Rachel’s Place, a man walks in with flowers. It’s Rachel’s loan officer. Laura is smitten. He’s come to ask her out on a date. She’s hesitant and messes with his head, but agrees to go out with him. At the house, Rachel is in a panic because she can’t find Ritchie. He was reading the newspaper with Carl. At Rachel’s Place, Steve reorganized the freezer and Rachel thanks him. Eddie gets dumped by his girlfriend because he asked another girl out. Steve asks him for advice. However, when he heads back to the kitchen he finds a notebook where Rachel wrote, “Rachel loves Steve.” He thinks she’s writing about him. At the house, Carl is working on the intercom in the kitchen with Ritchie. Ritchie and he tests it out with a scream. Rachel comes back and has a chat in the kitchen with Harriet and Mother Winslow about Steve Webster. She’s worried about the age difference. Steve comes over with notes for Laura. Steve overhears Rachel’s conversation in the kitchen and thinks she is talking about him. When Rachel asks Steve to come to the restaurant Sunday night he misinterprets her intentions and faints. He talks to Carl about it. Carl doesn’t know it’s Rachel and tells him to go for it. He arrives at Rachel’s Place Sunday night in a tuxedo. She thinks it’s a joke. He tells her about overhearing the intercom and she feels bad. Rachel tries to tell him the truth but he smells Laura’s perfume and ends it with Rachel. She plays along to not hurt his feelings. As he leaves, Steve Webber arrives. As they have a romantic evening he tells her the age different isn’t a big deal as she couldn’t be anymore than 30. Later that week, the family is at Rachel’s Place celebrating.

Family Matters S02, Ep01 – Rachel’s Place

Show: Family Matters
Season: 2
Episode: 1
Title: Rachel’s Place
Original Air Date: September 20, 1990


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Favorite Quotes:

* Carl: Now that sounds good. What exactly do you do?
Rachel: You scoop monkey poop.

* Steve: Would you like those burgers with cheese?
All: Please!!!

* Steve: Did I do that?

* Harriet: We’ll discuss this later but in the meantime, you better pray that stock goes back up.

* Rachel: Mother Winslow this is a blank check.
Mother Winslow: You’re pretty swift.

* Carl: You have that kind of money?
Mother Winslow: Is a frogs butt water tight?


Synopsis: Mother Winslow is off to play tennis. Harriet comes home loaded down with groceries. Carl brings in a load too, huffing and puffing. Rachel lets Carl know that they need a plumber. Carl starts complaining about expenses. Rachel feels bad about the finances and that she doesn’t have a job so she can contribute. As she laments on how hard it is to find a job Laura comes in and announces she’s found a job. Steve follows her in an announces he will be working there too. Laura is now on her first day on the job and her parents come in and embarrass her. It’s finally payday. Laura gets her first check while Steve gets a bill for broken dishes. Leroy heads off to the bank and Laura and Steve are there still cleaning. Steve decides to become a chef, but when he turns on the grill he winds up setting the restaurant on fire and it burns down. Harriet sees the fire and races to check on Laura. She sees her and hugs her. Carl also races over in his squad car and seeing Laura ok, hugs her as well. Leroy chooses to retire in Florida. Some point in the near future Steve, Rachel, Harriet and Carl are having a meeting in the living room. Rachel tells them she wants to buy Leroy’s and rebuild it and run it herself. Carl is hesitant. They show him the picture of what it will look like and he’s impressed. Harriet and Carl discuss it. They decide to help, but Carl informs Harriet that they don’t have enough to cover what she needs. He then tells her about a stock tip from his boss where he invested 5 grand. He lost the money. Harriet is pissed. She calls Rachel back out. They tell her they want to help but they don’t have enough. Mother Winslow storms in upset she was left out. She gives Rachel a blank check. She covers the remaining $5,000 needed for the restaurant. It’s now the grand opening of Rachel’s Place. Rachel also thanks Steve for burning down Leroy’s which made Rachel’s Place possible.

Family Matters S01, Ep21 – Bowl Me Over

Show: Family Matters
Season: 1
Episode: 21
Title: Bowl Me Over
Original Air Date: April 6, 1990


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Favorite Quotes:

* Steve: Hi Laura, my photogenic little fox.

* Carl: Oh no, there’s two of them.

* Laura: Eddie, I didn’t beat you. I crushed you.

* Harriet: Rachel, will you forget about picking up those two guys and pick up that spare?
Rachel: I can do both, you know.

* Carl: Harriet, I want a rematch.
Harriet: Uh huh, so does Mike Tyson.

* Laura: Someday, when you’re least expecting it, you’re going to wake up with some hair missing.

* Steve: She touched me Carl. I can’t breathe. All the pins look like Laura.


Synopsis: Laura and Eddie are looking at their school photos as Steve comes in. He wants to exchange photos but Laura is not so excited. When he decides to stay, she gives him two. Steve gives her a life size stand up photo. Carl comes in and sees the stand up and thinks there are two Steve Urkels. Another day, Carl comes home and is upset about his day. Eddie and Laura come in the kitchen as well. Eddie is upset that Laura beat his high score in a video game. He says something sexist. Carl takes Eddie outside for a chat. He talks some sense into him. Eddie tries to get along with Laura on it. She enjoys rubbing her victory in. That night, the family goes bowling. Rachel picks up a spare as Carl brings snacks to the lane. Carl is happy until Steve shows up. Steve is a good bowler. He starts trying to coach Carl. Harriet can win if she bowls three strikes in the 10th frame. She gets the first strike. Then a second strike. She gets the third strike for the turkey and the win. He’s a sore loser. He demands a rematch. They get home late and Carl gloats about winning. The kids start fighting too. He takes it too far. She then tells him she let him win and has been for a while. His ego goes too far and both Harriet and Rachel lose their temper. Harriet lays down a bowling challenge. They all go back to the bowling alley. Back at the bowling alley it’s the men versus the women. Eddie starts cheating. Laura then distracts Steve to give the women’s team the edge. He’s so distracted he flies down the lane with the ball. They finally get to the last frame. As Carl throws the last ball the power goes out. The winner cannot be determined. When they get home, they are still fighting. Mother Winslow comes out to yell at them. They finally start talking to each other. Everyone goes to bed but Harriet and Carl. They compromise at a tie. But then Carl speaks up and tells her she shouldn’t have to do less than her best just to protect his ego.

Family Matters S01, Ep20 – The Candidate

Show: Family Matters
Season: 1
Episode: 20
Title: The Candidate
Original Air Date: March 23, 1990


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Favorite Quotes:

* Harriet: Rachel, you’re not going to go off the deep end with this ecology thing, are you?

* Laura: Since when you do spell Eddie with one d?

* Laura: Well unless we find a picture of Margie on a yacht with Gary Hart, we’re dead meat.

* Urkel: She’s a real nerd.
Laura: You’re calling her a nerd?

* Harriet: Rachel, this place looks like a recycling center.
Rachel: It is a recycling center.

* Rachel: I’m sorry I jumped off the deep end, again.

* Carl: How did your parents ever survive her wonder years?

* Eddie: Margie will make a much better president than me.
Laura: Oh yeah, absolutely.


Synopsis: Steve is posing as a Greek God for Eddie. Laura comes down and is grossed out. After school Eddie and Rodney come home to announce that Eddie is going to run for student council. Rachel tells Eddie that women are attracted to men in power, so this seals the deal. Later that night, Rachel comes in the kitchen with empty soda cans. She then flips out when Carl tries to put whipped cream on his pie. It’s another day, and Rodney and Eddie are working on campaign slogans. Laura helps out. Eddie makes her his campaign manager. In the kitchen, Rachel has a bunch of garbage cans for recycling in the kitchen. Harriet is not amused. That night, Laura brings Eddie in and he’s in a suit and practicing for his campaign. Rodney bursts in and tells them that he arranged a debate for Eddie. Laura tries to choke him but Eddie stops him. Steve comes over. She tries to kick him out but he stays. He hums loudly. Eddie mentions the campaign. Steve tells them that he knows her. It’s time for the debate and Laura tries to prep Eddie. Rodney has prepared some of the students to sabotage Margie. The debate begins and Eddie tries to get on the moderator’s good side. Back at the house, Harriet and Carl enter the kitchen to find it a disaster. Rachel has turned it into a recycling center. They have an emotionally charged discussion about recycling. Rachel apologizes and promises to clean it up. Back at the debate, Margie is being sandbagged. However, Eddie gets upset and stops them. He withdraws from the race. Eddie arrives home to find Laura ticked off. He wanted to win honestly not because of dirty tricks. She admits that winning went to her head.

Family Matters S01, Ep19 – In a Jam

Show: Family Matters
Season: 1
Episode: 19
Title: In a Jam
Original Air Date: February 23, 1990


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Favorite Quotes:

* Laura: Urkel, don’t you parents feed you?
Steve: Not every day.

* Mother Winslow: Your grandfather’s name was Lester. Carl was his horse.

* Harriet: Oh yeah, I get it. I just don’t want it in my living room.

* Laura: In a strange sort of way I think I just might miss Urkel.

* Judy: He’s dying.
Rachel: That’s because he’s mangling my jokes.

* Steve: Did all you people come here just to see a bloodbath?


Synopsis: Carl is trying to fix the VCR, with Eddie’s help. However, Steve also helps and the whole house loses power. The three are doing homework in the kitchen as Steve comes in. He asks about food and tells them that he’s been being ripped off by a bully so he hasn’t been able to buy any lunch. Steve asks Eddie for help. He offers to pay him $10 to protect him. In the living room, the ladies are folding socks. Carl runs in and says he’s on the news. He then tells them he’s got a tryout as the afternoon traffic reporter. Rachel insists on jokes. At the lunch spot, Eddie is eating with Steve. They are waiting for the bully. He doesn’t seem to show, so Eddie leaves. A few minutes later, the bully comes in. Steve refuses to pay, so the bully tells him double tomorrow. As he leaves, Steve tells him he’s not going to pay him anymore. Bull tells him to pay him tomorrow or else. Even Rodney is afraid for him. Back at the house, Mother Winslow gets Carl to sign an autograph for her friend. Rachel comes downstairs with a whole list of one line jokes. Harriet is not amused. In the kitchen, Rodney is expressing is fear for Steve’s safety with the bully. Laura also expresses concern. Steve comes in and gives everyone something to remember him by after the bully kills him. Steve tells Eddie he doesn’t’ know what it’s like being bullied because he’s not small. Eddie asks his dad for advice. Carl tells him it’s not a simple yes or no answer to help Steve. The next day, Carl’s traffic report is coming up on tv. At the studio, Carl is a nervous wreck. The director tells Carl that the previous officer got fired because of the jokes. He tries a joke and it bombs. The director gives him a traffic print out to save him. He reads it and realizes the reroute is being repaved and gives an alternate route. At the diner, Steve sits sadly. Laura tries to convince him to save himself. Bull arrives. He asks Steve for the money one more time and he refuses. As he’s about to punch Steve, Eddie steps in. He takes a swing at Eddie, but he dodges. Eddie’s counter punch hits dead on and the bully agrees to leave Steve alone. A few minutes later, Carl arrives. They discuss Steve’s situation. Eddie tells him what happened. Carl tells him he’s proud of him and they leave.

Family Matters S01, Ep18 – Sitting Pretty

Show: Family Matters
Season: 1
Episode: 18
Title: Sitting Pretty
Original Air Date: February 20, 1990


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Favorite Quotes:

* Mother Winslow: Another loser, huh, Rachel?

* Laura: I guess I could call Steve Urkel. Did I say that?

* Laura: Pardon me, but you must have mistaken me for someone who cares.

* Carl: We’re having leg of lamb for dinner. I hope she didn’t break it, it’s hard to cut through the cast.

* Laura: All right, all right. If I ever mention babysitting again, just kill me.

* Rachel: This is my child. My only child.

* Laura: I know. My baby-sitting business blew up in my face.
Carl: Like the Hindenburg.


Synopsis: Steve comes over and tells Laura he has tickets to a rock and mineral show. No one wants to go with him. It’s another day and Carl is worried about impressing his new captain. Laura announces she is starting a baby-sitting business. Rachel comes home from a date, but she stops him at the door. That night Carl practices his fishing in the kitchen and catches a drape. Eddie comes in the kitchen as the phone rings. He’s upset that the call is for Laura and not him. It’s for her baby-sitting service but she has no one available. That night Rachel can’t decide what to wear on her date. Carl rushes in and tells her he invited him over for dinner. In the living room, Laura’s sitters are all cancelling. Harriet freaks out when she finds out about the dinner. Eddie comes in and tells Laura he has a date. He also tells her everyone has cancelled because of a Paula Abdul concert. Laura calls everyone and tells them to drop their kids at her house. Rachel comes down the stairs in a panic. She nearly leaves with Ritchie. Eddie is leaving and Laura bluffs him into staying. Later that evening, all the kids are there and the house is looking like a mess. Steve comes over and Laura tells him she’s glad to see him. He gets excited but she just wants him to track down a missing kid. Carl and Harriet bust into the kitchen as a kid joins them and shoots Carl with a dart. They don’t know who the kid was. They go into the living room and find all the kids. Carl goes into a meltdown. Harriet tries to save the day by dividing up the kids. Steve comes back in and announces the twins are snorkeling in Mother Winslow’s waterbed. Carl manages to straighten up the living room just in time for Captain Davenport’s arrival. Carl chats him up and Harriet exits to check on the food. A large crash is heard. He races into the living room to find Steve in distress. However, all the baby sitters are wrangling kids. All the rest have converged downstairs and have tied up Captain Davenport. He’s having a blast. Rachel returns home with Jeff. This time she invites him in. She tells him about Ritchie. They enter and the swarm of kids is rather scary. Laura comes in with Ritchie and hands him to Rachel. Jeff is relieved she only has one kid. He tells her he’s sticking around. Carl and Captain Davenport says their goodbyes and he’s still happy. Laura’s babysitting business is now over. Carl and Harriet head into the kitchen to clean up, but Mother Winslow shoots him in the head with a dart.

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