Original Air Date: April 1, 1991
* Eddie: Steve for the last time. You can’t be seen in public with me.
Steve: Now there’s irony. Less than an hour ago my father told me the same thing.
* Murtagh: Rachel is remarkably pretty.
Carl: Oh, no.
* Mother Winslow: Honey look on the bright side, you’re going out with a man who can walk, talk, and has a job. I’d settle for two out of three.
* Rachel: Lieutenant, I’ve tried to be nice. I’ve tried to be tactful. But now it appears I’m going to have to be blunt. You repulse me.
* Murtaugh: What the hell are we doing here?
Steve: Well, certainly not harmony.
* Murtagh: Here I am again, drowning my sorrows in root beer floats.
Steve: Yeah, well, my sorrows don’t drown. They just dog paddle around in my heart.
* Murtagh: To the we love!
Steve: And the day they can stand the sight of us!
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Steve comes in as Laura is leaving. He’s there to see Eddie. She heads off to the mall. Eddie comes down and Steve needs to ask him a favor. Eddie tells him they can’t be seen together. But Steve just wants to get and ID bracelet for Laura. Eddie leaves and Steve starts fantasizing about Laura and then he faints. Carl is watching sports and gets excited as someone scores. He doesn’t even get up to answer the door. But Harriet makes him. It’s Lt. Murtagh, he’s laying on the doorbell. He then invites himself in and sits on the couch. Murtagh turns off the tv, it’s the NBA finals, he causes Carl to miss the final play of the game. He asks about rumors. He started a rumor that he’s going to be promoted, so Carl started a rumor that Murtagh is promoting him as well. Rachel comes and Murtagh is clearly smitten with her. Carl is now concerned. He holds his head. After Murtagh leaves Carl goes into the kitchen laughing. Rachel finally asks what’s funny. He tells them that Murtagh likes Rachel and wants to date her. They all start laughing. But the laughter stops when he tells him he’s serious. Rachel looks far more than concerned. He asks her to go out with him once, it could help him get promoted. She decides to go out with him just as a favor to Carl. In Rachel’s Place, Steve is cleaning the floor. Eddie brings in Waldo. He is the one with the ID bracelets. Waldo starts to leave with Eddie. Eddie has to explain to him that he is staying because Steve wants to buy something from him. Steve asks to see the bracelets but Waldo shows him watches. Then he gets to the bracelets. Steve winds up getting one for $15. Rachel comes downstairs for her date and when they tell her she looks good she wants to go change. Mother Winslow points out he can walk, talk and has a job. She’d be good with just two out of three. Carl makes the mistake of asking how bad could it be? Murtagh alerts Rachel he is there via a megaphone. When she opens the door she is hit with a spotlight. She’s not happy. She warns Carl not to be there when she gets back. Rachel and Murtagh return. She tries to get rid of him by telling him she has a headache. But he ignores it and sits on the couch. He grabs her hand and doesn’t want to let go. Rachel tries to tell him she didn’t have a good time. He doesn’t believe her, so she gives him examples of what she did not enjoy. Laura and Steve come back from work. He doesn’t want to leave her side and she gets angry. He tries to give her the bracelet but it’s stuck in her pocket. He finally gets it out and gives it to her. She reads the inscription but there are typos. She gives it back. Laura decides to have a talk with him. She blames herself for his confusion. She will go back to telling him every day that their relationship will never go anywhere. He’s fine with that and tries to give her the bracelet again. She tells him to go home. Meanwhile, Murtagh puts on romantic music. Rachel flat out tells him he repulses her. He ignores it and asks to slow dance and neck. She screams at him to go home, then she goes upstairs. He starts a sad monologue. Then turns it into song. Steve comes out of the kitchen looking perplexed by Murtagh. But then he joins in and they add dance to the song. They both collapse on the couch and then realize neither of them live there. They both wind up at Rachel’s place, drinking root beer floats. They both complain about not understanding women. The comment that Murtagh makes tells Steve why Rachel doesn’t like him. He waxes poetic about having hope that one day Laura might fall in love with him.
Categories: Family Matters