Show: Family Matters
Original Air Date: February 15, 1991
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* Laura: Why did you give me this…this…this?
Steve: Because I love you, love you, love you.
* Steve: Land sakes alive man. A few months ago you ran the car through the living room. And now this? How in Sam Hill did you ever get your license?
Eddie: Beats me.
* Rachel: When you..
Mother Winslow: Bite the big one?
Rachel: Do you want to be buried or cremated?
Mother Winslow: Surprise me.
* Carl: Wait a minute, isn’t that a candy jar?
Harriet: No, it’s an urn.
Carl: An urn?
Rachel: Yeah, Aunt Clotilda is in there.
* Carl: Lord, forgive if I come up a foot short.
* Eddie: Steve, we hit the jackpot!
Steve: A guy could get use to this.
* Carl: I got a little confession to make. Maybe you better sit down for this one.
Synopsis: Steve is reading to Ritchie. Judy comes home. Later, Steve gives Laura a mechanical rose with his face on it. When she asks why he gave it to her he tells her because he loves her. Eddie comes in freaked out. He’s worried he’s going to be in trouble for denting the car. Steve points out he already crashed it into the house two months ago. Laura tells him he’s digging his own grave. He got an estimate and its $800. Eddie asks Steve for a loan. Steve tells him about an illegal gambling casino hidden in a bakery. Steve doesn’t want to gamble. Eddie talks him into it. Steve buys into Eddie’s “best buds” lie.
Another day, Harriet and Rachel come back from a funeral. Rachel is quite distraught, but she had never met her. They’ve also brought her ashes back. She died leading a game of Simon Says. Mother Winslow can barely control herself to keep from laughing. Rachel asks Mother Winslow what her final wishes are but she tells her to surprise her. Rachel starts sobbing again.
Carl comes home and sees the urn, but he thinks it’s a new candy jar. He opens it and then dumps it all out.
Meanwhile, Steve and Eddie try to go to the casino. Steve figures out the password and they get in.
That night, Carl complains about how expense the ash scattering is. Harriet takes the urn off the mantle and tells him it’s got Aunt Clotilda. He starts to freak out because he realizes he dumped her ashes in the garbage can. He suddenly decides he’s going with them and grabs the urn. He requests a moment alone with the urn before they leave. They look at him like he is crazy. He runs to the garbage can and starts scooping its contents into the urn like a mad man.
Back at the casino, Eddie is getting worried because Steve is getting cold feet. Steve decides to use his glasses like divining rods to find where to start. He picks a machine and tells Eddie to fee it. It hits a jackpot. Steve is on the craps table on a big winning streak. It gets to where the whole casino is watching. A hot chick even kisses him. He’s up to 32 grand. Eddie has had enough. But the place gets raided.
At the house, they return from spreading the ashes. Carl is feeling super guilty and asks to speak to her alone. He confesses that they may not have spread all of Aunt Clotilda’s ashes. He tells her that the rest of her is in the hefty bag with the ashes of the presto logs. The phone rings and Carl gets it. It’s Eddie. Carl flips his lid.
Back at the house, Carl runs through the rap sheet of Eddie’s crimes. After he lets him go, Harriet does the same to him. His punishment is taking her to dinner at her favorite restaurant.