The Golden Girls S02, Ep03 – Take Him, He’s Mine

Show: The Golden Girls
Season: 2
Episode: 3
Title: Take Him, He’s Mine
Original Air Date: October 11, 1986

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iTunes The Golden Girls, Season 2 – The Golden Girls

Favorite Quotes:

* Rose: Gee it sounds kind of complicated.

* Dorothy: I don’t have a husband. Call the police.

* Dorothy: We were married 38 years. You can disguise your bald head but not your emotions. Now what’s wrong?
Stan: I lost it Dorothy.
Dorothy: You never had it Stanley.

* Rose: I have the highest suicide rate in the office.

* Blanche: You’re asking me to spend the evening with a man you describe as having the personality of a dial tone.

* Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, this was the most bizarre evening I’ve ever spent with a man.

* Sophia: Relax, if they were his friends he’d still have his thumbs.

* Dorothy: Why is it whenever I think I’ve met Mr. Right, I’ve met Mr. Wrong?

* Blanche: If you won’t talk to me how am I supposed to understand why you’re mad at me?

* Blanche: Last night you were dumped by the man of your dreams. It’s not surprising that today you’re a little irritable.

* Dorothy: Stanley you truly are one chromosome away from being a potato.

* Dorothy: You’re wearing your toupee to bed. That means either there’s a woman in your bed or Suzanne Sommers is on The Tonight Show.

* Blanche: Why in hell did you ever marry Stan?
Dorothy: It was my magenta period.

Synopsis: Sophia presents Rose with a plan to sell sandwiches to construction crews. Dorothy comes into the kitchen and Sophia tells her she doesn’t look pretty enough. Blanche announces Dorothy’s ex husband has arrived. Sophia takes an easy shot at Stan. Dorothy reminds her that his new wife, Chrissy, divorced him. Sophia is elated, she previously misunderstood Dorothy. She knows he’s upset. He tells her that he lost the business. She tells him she has plans and he begs her to stay. She goes in the kitchen and begs one of the girls to go out with Stan. Neither Rose nor Blanche want to do it. Dorothy has to bribe Blanche to go out with Stan. Later that night Sophia and Rose are making sandwiches. They ran out of tomatoes and so now the sandwiches are bacon, lettuce and potato. Dorothy comes into the kitchen, still concerned. Rose tells her that she had a Belgian Waffle stand when she was a kid. She learns that Blanche is not back yet from an evening with Stan. She arrives home describing her bizarre evening with Stan. As strange as it was, she enjoyed herself and is going to see Stan again. Several mornings later, Sophia and Rose are heading out to their corner before the sun comes up. They are trying to beat another person to the spot. His name is Johnny no thumbs. Dorothy is concerned. She’s also upset because her Navy dreamboat is leaving town. The truth is he dumped her. While they are all talking, Blanche arrives home. She stayed out all night with Stan. At the grocery store, Dorothy and Blanche have a fight about Stan. They somewhat make up and Blanche tries to comfort her about her break up. After they make up she tells Dorothy she is going out with Stan again tonight and Dorothy gets upset. Blanche lets it slip that Johnny No Thumbs is threatening the pair. Dorothy and Blanche start fighting about Stan again. It becomes a spectacle in the grocery store. That night in the kitchen, Sophia finds IOU’s in the receipts. She’s not amused. Dorothy comes into the kitchen looking for Blanche. Sophia then tells Sophia a story. Dorothy storms back into the kitchen again. When Blanche isn’t there she heads to Stan’s hotel room. The doorbell rings. Rose opens it to find two enforcers from Johnny No Thumbs. Dorothy arrives at Stan’s hotel. He has a woman there but its not Blanche. Stan tries to get rid of Dorothy. She then gives a big speech to the woman in the bed who she believes is Blanche. Turns out it’s a blonde bimbo. Dorothy is embarrassed and shocked and storms out. Back at the house, Rose and Sophia get beautiful flowers from Johnny No Thumbs. Dorothy heads into the living room to apologize to Blanche. She tells her about her trip to Stan’s hotel room. They have another heart to heart, but this time it takes. Blanche does have to ask her one thing. Why on earth did she marry Stan? Dorothy was four months pregnant.


The Golden Girls S02, Ep02 – Ladies of the Evening

Show: The Golden Girls
Season: 2
Episode: 2
Title: Ladies of the Evening
Original Air Date: October 4, 1986

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iTunes The Golden Girls, Season 2 – The Golden Girls

Favorite Quotes:

* Sophia: Not this time. I’m tired of being the Tonto of the group.

* Sophia: Fine, break an old lady’s heart. If you need me I’ll be out back with the rest of the garbage.

* Dorothy: She’ll get over it and if she doesn’t, who cares? We’re going to meet Burt Reynolds.

* Blanche: See that man over there, staring at me? He’s undressing me with his eyes.
Rose: Do you want to move to another table?
Blanche: Not yet, he’s only half done.

* Rose: Please don’t let them take me downtown! I want to live!! I want to live!!

* Rose: Oh sure it’s’ always a man with you. Men and sex, sex and men!

* Rose: I’ve kept these bitter butter memories far too long.

* Sophia: Arrested for prostitution? I can’t believe it.

* Sophia: I can’t believe these dumb cops would think anyone would pay money to sleep with you.

* Sophia: You’ll get over it and if you don’t, who cares!! I’m on my way to meet Burt Reynolds.

* Sophia: Oh Cinderella is back from the ball and her three wicked roommates are jealous?

* Sophia: Jealousy is a very ugly thing Dorothy and so are you in anything backless.

* Rose: I’ve never felt so good and so cheap in my whole life.

* Burt: Which ones the slut?
(all three): I am!!

Synopsis: The ladies are having an inspection done and learn that they have termites. Blanche walks in with tickets to see Burt Reynolds. However, Blanche could only get three tickets, so Sophia doesn’t get to go. As the girls are jumping up and down in excitement the exterminator comes back in and informs them they have termites. They have to move out because the house has to be tented. Blanche finds the girls a nice hotel on the beach. At the hotel, Sophia is trying to guilt Dorothy. Blanche comes in and tells a story about one of her many lovers. Sophia tries to trick Rose out of her ticket. They head downstairs to go meet Burt. However, Blanche wants to get a drink first. They sit in the bar and some men come over and hit on them. Before they can leave the police come in and arrest everyone. The place is full of “ladies of the night.” Rose has a complete meltdown at being arrested. Dorothy tries to tell the officer that they aren’t hookers, but he doesn’t believe her. In jail, no one is happy. Rose is more upset than before and Dorothy and Blanche try to comfort her. Blanche decides to try and use her wiles to get them out of jail, but the guard is a woman. Rose now yells at Blanche about it being her fault thanks to her over active sex drive. They all start fighting and then one of the other ladies gets aggressive. Dorothy steps up and pretends to be a man. It works thankfully and the others back off. They all apologize to each other. Rose tells a story about losing the Butter Queen title for many years in a row. Everyone in the holding cell comes over to listen as well. Blanche and Dorothy get irritated and leave her. One of the lady’s comes over and tells her she is from St. Gustav. Sophia comes down to bail them out. But there is a condition, one of them has to give her their ticket to meet Burt Reynolds. None will give up their ticket, so she grabs them out of Blanche’s hand and takes off with all three of them. Later at the house, Sophia is telling them stories of Burt Reynolds. Everyone is upset because they didn’t get to meet Burt Reynolds. Sophia heads to her room. The doorbell rings and its Meg. She is going back to St. Gustav. The doorbell rings again. When Dorothy opens the door its Burt Reynolds. He is taking Sophia to lunch. The girls drool. Sophia heads off with Burt as they all stand there in utter shock.

Mama’s Family S02, Ep13 – Mama Buys a Car

Show: Mama’s Family
Season: 2
Episode: 13
Title: Mama Buys a Car
Original Air Date: January 21, 1984

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iTunes not available at this time

Favorite Quotes:

* Thelma: It’s not just Meals on Wheels. It’s Thelma on Wheels.

* Fran: Without a car, a driver’s license is nothing more than an unflattering picture with your real birthday on it.

* Thelma: If I buy myself a car I can drive myself crazy.

* Vint: I gave him my jack-knife and he gave me his measles.

* Thelma: Vint to you want to get your wife out of this car before someone comes along and gives her a rear end alignment.

* Thelma: I want something with guts. I want some power when I put that petal to the metal.

* Willie: Thelma you didn’t try to do anything foolish with the car?
Thelma: Yeah I tried to drive it.

* Thelma: Those are the most expensive oatmeal rains cookies I’ve ever made. They cost me about $50 a rasin.

* Vint: Look on the bright side. You only got stuck with one lemom. That poor sucker is about to buy the whole orchard.

* Thelma: Blew up? It’s smoldering it’s way to lemon heaven.

* Thelma: Well, good Lord. You’re not only a weasel you’re a pig.

Synopsis: Mama is in a panic because Fran is late. Fran is supposed to let her take her car for Meals on Wheels deliveries. Mama is forced to call in and let them know that she’s waiting on her sister’s car. But because she doesn’t have her own car they kick her out of the program. As she hangs up Fran runs in. Thelma is upset because she is out of a volunteer job. Fran tries to console her. Mama decides to buy herself a car. Everyone tries to help her look through car ads. She wants a blue car. Naomi finds an ad for Willie Pots and it turns out he use to live in the neighborhood. Mama gives out orders to make cookies (she doesn’t want him talking too much). At the lot, Mama is obsessed with blue cars. She thinks the color is lucky. Willie arrives. Vint introduces everyone. Thelma gives him her list of wants. He shows her a car that’s nearly $7,000. He then starts bragging about a big sale he’s got coming. They walk over to a blue car. He starts sweet talking her. Vint tries to open the hood to check the engine and Willie sits on it so he can’t. Thelma brings up price, but Willie gives her a price she doesn’t like. She negotiates down to her price point with the cookies. Thelma buys it and drives it home. The whole family drives in and asks to go for a spin. As she pulls away from the curb parts start falling off the car and the engine overheats. Back at Willie’s lot, he’s watching the big fish he wants to sell a bunch of cars to. Thelma and Vint enter his office. When she tells him she wants a refund he ignores her. He tries to sweet talk her. Then he tells her no flat out. Thelma loses her temper when Willie calls her a hippo. The big fish walks in the office. He kicks Thelma and Vint out of his office. In the lot, Vint remembers Willie’s nickname was the weasel. Thelma is upset he didn’t remember that sooner. Thelma races back into the office to try and save Mr. Babcock from buying the junk cars. She gives him a good speech. Mr. Babcock gives her the floor. She describes the explosion. Mr. Babcock tells Willie the only way he’ll buy the fleet is if he gives Thelma a full and complete refund. He starts counting out cash and she manages to add on a few extras to sweeten her deal. As soon as she is fully refunded he offers to walk Thelma out. He’s not signing the deal. Back at the house, everyone is proud of her. She starts the hunt for a car again.

The Golden Girls S02, Ep01 – The End of the Curse

Show: The Golden Girls
Season: 2
Episode: 1
Title: The End of the Curse
Original Air Date: September 27, 1986

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iTunes The Golden Girls, Season 2 – The Golden Girls

Favorite Quotes:

* Rose: Do they have to be killed?
Sophia: No Rose, many women like wearing coats that urinate.

* Rose: Nothing is so terrible that you can’t tell us. We’re your friends, we’ll understand.
Blanche: I’m pregnant.
[Rose faints]

*Sophia: What shocking news?
Rose: Blanche is pregnant.
Sophia: Holy cow.

* Dorothy: Nine weeks late and you just realized something is wrong?

* Rose: I never grew a beard.
Sophia: You never grew brains either.

* Rose: I live in Florida. Who can tell the difference between a hot flash and a weather front?

* Dorothy: She could be in a coma. Put a man within 5 miles, she’d roll over and shave her legs.

* Blanche: They eat their weight in food every day?
Dorothy: When I’m depressed so do I.

Synopsis: The girls are in the garage. They’ve purchased minks to breed for fur. Blanche has been depressed and is in her room. She finally comes out but gets hysterical again. She tells them she is pregnant and Rose faints from shock. Sophia comes out and learns about the news too and she is quite surprised. When she gets out her book and lists the names of the possible father’s it’s a long list. Meanwhile, the minks aren’t doing anything. Blanche finally goes to the doctor. She’s not pregnant, it’s menopause. Blanche doesn’t want to engage with the world, so the girls make her see a psychiatrist. He cheers her up because he asks her out on a date. At the house, she’s depressed again. She thinks she’s not a woman anymore. The girls try to cheer her up. Everyone talks about how they first got their periods. Sophia tells a bald face lie about an older woman getting pregnant. A vet checks out the minks and says they are too old to breed. Blanche makes a pass at him. Blanche comes back from her date and she is quite happy. Dorothy wants to get rid of them but Rose wants to save them. However, Blanche decides to keep them.

Mama’s Family S02, Ep12 – Black Belt Mama

Show: Mama’s Family
Season: 2
Episode: 12
Title: Black Belt Mama
Original Air Date: January 14, 1984

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iTunes not available at this time

Favorite Quotes:

* Vint: How can I ruin something that doesn’t work?

* Mama: I know that Naomi is interested in it so it has to be something that appeals to a bird brain.

* Mama: I’m shaking worse than a wino in prohibition.

* Mama: Well what is this? Get Mama night? You gonna tell me it’s my fault I was robbed?

* Naomi: Chuck says we’re supposed to move like a well oiled machine.
Mama: Well the oil drained out of my crank case years ago.

* Naomi: Let’s say you want to attack me.
Mama: This is getting better all the time.

* Mama: All right Chuck, go ahead and make my day.

* Sonja: You’re a hero grandma.
Mama: I just wish they didn’t have to print a heroes age.

Synopsis: Vint is trying to fix the iron and he fails. They discuss Naomi and the self defense class that she is taking. She arrives home and gives them a karate demonstration. They discuss the muggings that have been going on around town. Mama is not impressed with the whole thing. Vint keeps trying to fix the iron and winds up shorting out the electricity. Later in the kitchen, Vint is feeding Buzz. Mama comes in the door looking like she’s been attacked. She’s holding her purse handle, but the purse is gone. She’s so upset she can’t speak. She finally calms down and then tells them about her mugging. Buzz wants her to call the police and report the crime. She tells him to and he does. He gets her to give the police a description. Naomi is at her karate class, with Sonja and Fran. Mama shows up and nearly gets punched. They all start discussing what went wrong and why Mama was mugged. Mama is going to learn karate. But first she has to stretch. She gets stuck and Chuck has to roll her backwards. Mama is not stretchy. Chuck demonstrates some moves he’s going to try and teach them. Everyone gets up to practice except Mama. Chuck pairs her with his star pupil, Naomi. It goes downhill fast. Chuck does a demonstration with Sonja. It fails so he asks Naomi to assist him. She actually performs quite well. Now chuck tries with Mama and she headbutts him. It’s another day and Mama heads to the bus stop. She and another older lady commiserate over the changing times. Mama traumatizes a few passerbys. The mugger comes back. She does her karate demonstration and then tricks him. She disables him by whacking him in the head with her bag, it’s got her new iron in it. Mama makes the paper. She acts humble until Buzz walks in with a huge stacks of newspapers.

The Golden Girls S01, Ep25 – The Way We Met

Show: The Golden Girls
Season: 1
Episode: 25
Title: The Way We Met
Original Air Date: May 10, 1986

Click either link to get a copy.

Amazon The Golden Girls: Season 1

iTunes The Golden Girls, Season 1 – The Golden Girls

Favorite Quotes:

* Blanche: I never should have watched it. Why, that shower scene is the reason I never shower alone.
Dorothy: And Goldilocks and the three bears is why you prefer not to sleep alone?

* Rose: Why would you name a room Blanche Deveraux?
Blanche: I like a roommate with a sense of humor.

* Madame Zelda: Move in this house and you’ll die an agonizing death.

* Sophia: The woman has slut embroidered on her underwear.

* Blanche: When a beam of moonlight hit my cleavage, suddenly the band began to play. It was at that moment I realized my bosoms had the power to make music.

* Grocer: Those are very nice cantaloupes.
Blanche: Why, thank you.

* Dorothy: Rose why don’t you save it for The Price is Right?

* Dorothy: Until I met you I didn’t know people actually talked back to their rice crispies.

* Blanche: I know I’ve been having a very good time and there isn’t even a man in the room.

* Dorothy: Oh, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Synopsis: Rose enters the kitchen in the middle of the night with the lights off. Dorothy comes in after turning on the lights scaring her. Rose thought she heard something. Blanche comes in with a golf club. Watching Psycho was too much for them. The three sit around the table. They scare away their fright with a cheesecake. We get a flash back of Rose and Blanche meeting. Blanche is putting up an advertisement on a local board in a grocery store and Rose walks up carrying a cat. She was thrown out of her apartment because of the cat she has. Blanche decides against Rose as a roommate and leaves. A little boy comes up to Rose and she gives him the cat. Blanche witnesses it and then decides to show her the room. Blanche then shares some memories of other prospective roommates, including Madame Zelda, a deranged psychic. Dorothy drops by with Sophia. The meeting is a little rocky. Dorothy then tells about her first meeting with Rose on move in day. There is some confusion about who gets what room. Rose helps bring in Dorothy’s things and accidentally breaks a vase that Blanche has. They go out to dinner after that. Back in the kitchen its now 2am. Blanche tells one of her many stories of romance. Then they recall their first grocery shopping trip and how it didn’t go well. While checking out, Rose keeps correcting the checker on incorrect prices. They all get in a big fight. When they get back to the house they all storm around. Another argument takes place over how to store cereal. Dorothy doesn’t think they’re going to be successful as roommates. Rose proceeds to tell a St. Olaf story. By the end of her story they are hysterical. Rose puts a cheesecake in the fridge and everyone is happy. As they sit around the table, they eat another cheesecake. Sophia comes in the kitchen, screaming with a knife in her hand. She scares them a lot and so they stay up later.

Mama’s Family S02, Ep11 – Mama Learns to Drive

Show: Mama’s Family
Season: 2
Episode: 11
Title: Mama Learns to Drive
Original Air Date: January 7, 1984

Click either link to get a copy.


iTunes not available at this time

Favorite Quotes:

* Mama: That wife of yours is dead meat!

* Mama: If the good Lord intended me to drive he’d have given me bigger bumpers.

* Mama: Hold on to your tatas Frannie, here we go.

* Ellen: I would thank you not to refer to my mother as an old dog just because tricks don’t come as easily to her as they do to you.

* Mama: I’m gonna die trying to do this, but at least they’ll have a pretty new hat to bury me in.

Synopsis: Vint complains about the bus strike going on for three days. Ellen comes in the kitchen looking for Thelma. She’s left for the mall with Naomi. Minutes later Mama bursts in yelling. Naomi follows and the two begin fighting. Fran stops the fight. Mama still wants her hat so she tries to get everyone to take her to the mall. Everyone tells Mama that she needs to learn to drive herself around. Vint decides to teach her. He gives her a lecture on keys. The next morning, Mama is making cookies when Buzz and Sonya come in to help her study for her driver’s test. She gets mad and storms off. That afternoon Fran tiptoes out of the kitchen with car keys. Thelma wants to go with her to the mall but she holds firm on not taking her. Fran relents but makes Thelma drive. She doesn’t want to so Fran threatens to go to the mall and buy the hat Thelma wants for herself. They have a fight. She finally gets the car moving but the windshield wipers go off. She pulls away from the curb and nearly crashes into an oncoming car. In frustration she gets out of the car and walks off. Back at the house she tells the harrowing story. Naomi and Ellen get into it. Ellen decides to teach her how to drive. Upon returning Ellen is pissed. She has crashed Ellen’s car. They get in a fight and Ellen storms out. Meanwhile, the phone rings. It’s Neidermeyers, someone else wants the hat that Thelma has on hold. She has to pick it up by noon. Thelma decides to take Fran’s car and drive to the mall to get her hat. She says a prayer. She is at DMV to get her license. It’s taking all day long. She finally gets her picture taken. She and the DMV employee get into a fight and she threatens him. At the house, everyone is freaking out. Mama walks in the door and everyone rushes her. Mama tells them she got her driver’s license.

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