Show: The Golden Girls
Title: The President’s Coming! part one and two
Season 5 Episode 25 & 26
Original Air Date: May 5, 1990
Favorite Quotes:
+Dorothy: There’s a man on our lawn.Blanche: Get the net.
+Blanche: Anything I can do for you?
Sophia: At least now she asks.
+Blanche: I’ve been marking the days off on my Big Ships of the Navy calendar. I don’t think I can stand it much longer. My body feels like a Corvette up on blocks with its engine racing and the wheels just spinning and spinning with nowhere to go. I feel like I’m gonna explode.
+Blanche: Breasts are back in fashion. And what God didn’t give me, Dr. Myron Rosensweig will. Oh, that man is the Picasso of plastic surgeons.
Dorothy: Just be sure he doesn’t attach one of them to your forehead.
+Dorothy: Blanche, did it ever occur to you that possibly Rose or I might be interested in Jake?
Blanche: Yes.
Rose: And you still used every cheap ploy to nab him before we had a chance?
Blanche: Yes.
Dorothy: What do you have to say for yourself?
Blanche: Damn, I’m good.
+Blanche: Oh, if you need to know anything else about me, um, I have pictures. Agent: So do we.
+Agent: Now, our records show that you come from a town called St. Olaf. You wanna tell me about it? Mrs. Nylund, are you all right?
Rose: It’s just that nobody’s ever asked before.
+Rose: It was the herring who did the juggling. Tiny little Ginsu knives. Really very dangerous. I mean, one false move, they could’ve filleted themselves.
+Dorothy: Rose, if these had been offered to the Donner Party, they still would’ve eaten each other.
Rose: Don’t be silly, Dorothy. They’re delicious. You just have to know how to eat them.
+Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, you’re not gonna make a scene, are you? Dorothy: Oh, hey, come on. Give me a little credit. I mean, it’s not like I’m some kind of hothead.
+Dorothy: Blanche, please. I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline, with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold, wet sand.
Blanche: I brought my son Skippy home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.
Dorothy: You’re lying, Blanche.
Blanche: Damn, you’re good.
+Rose: Dorothy Zbornak! I just wish you’d watch yourself, Dorothy, because we’re all pretty excited about this visit.
Dorothy: Forget it, Rose. If President Bush steps in this house, I’m not gonna waste an opportunity like that. I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind.
+Blache: Oh, Dorothy, don’t ever antagonize the man who could answer the question, “You and what army?”
+Blanche: I asked my teacher for help, like you all told me to. He said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.
+Agent: Well, I just got off the phone with Washington. I’m sorry, ladies, but the President would prefer to visit a more typical American family.
+Dorothy: Blanche, no woman ever looked better than you look right now, and no one ever will.
Blanche: Thank you, Dorothy. Honestly, Rose, sometimes it’s like pulling teeth to get a little compliment out of you.
+Rose: But what happens when there’s only one of us left?
Sophia: Don’t worry. I can take care of myself.
+Sophia: I should have gotten you something returnable, like a donkey.
+Sophia: He’s got no idea what it’s like, living with you monkeys.
+Rose: That was my 4-H diary. I kept it one summer when I raised two pigs for the county fair.
Blanche: You kept a diary about raising two pigs?
Rose: You know another way to get a 4-H pig diary badge?
+Sophia: Beat it, you 50-year-old mattress.
+Rose: Sure, there are problems, but can’t we just pray they’ll go away by themselves?
Sophia: You haven’t.
+Sophia: I walk into the living room, and there’s a toilet in front of the television set. It’s an old lady’s dream come true!
+Stan: Inside this box is my best novelty yet, not to mention the perfect tie-in to the President’s visit. Ladies… the George Bush point of light on a stick.
+Blanche: You know, Dorothy, every now and then it dawns on me you had children with this man.
+Agent: Stanley Zbornak. A novelty salesman, your ex-husband, father of your children, and if you don’t mind me saying, first-class yutz.
+Sophia: I spend one lousy night with Mussolini – and I do mean lousy – and I’m marked for life.
+Dorothy: This has to be a fake. Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop.
Summary:
Sophia asks Dorothy to pick up a bunch of sunscreen at the grocery store. Rose thinks she’s going to put it on chicken so it doesn’t burn in the oven. Sophia tells them President Bush is coming to town to dedicate the senior citizen center down the street. She wants to make a fast buck. There’s a man on the lawn who comes to the door. He’s from the secret service. They’ve been watching the house and he’s come to vet them. He starts with Blanche’s interview first. She tells him about herself. Her love of men. her bonus and work and the breast implants she planned to get with it. Then she tells him about the dirty dancing classes. Then Jake the Caterer. The secret service asks Blanche to not hit on the president. Next he speaks with Rose. He asks her to tell him about St. Olaf. She is shocked as no one has ever asked before. She tells a story about two opposites. Then the herring circus. Next the Scandinavian midnight snack story. Then the elk goes to the prom as someone’s date. The rest are in the kitchen talking. Dorothy is writing a list of things she wants to discuss with the president. Blanche is worried Dorothy will make a scene. The story of the roof leak is retold to remind everyone of Dorothy’s temper. Then Dorothy’s birthday at Mr. HaHa’s. Again, Rose asks Dorothy to behave herself. Dorothy insists she will give the president a piece of her mind. She has issues with education, age discrimination and women’s rights to name a few. And we slip into a memory again of when Rose was looking for work and was a victim of age discrimination. We learn that Rose was married to Charlie for 32 years before he died of a heart attack and Rose had to start over. They all discuss being 5 years older. Then they tell the story of Blanche’s teacher sexually harassing her. Rose tells them a story about a soda jerk who sexually harassed her when she was a teenager. The agent comes back and informs them that the president would prefer to visit a more traditional family. They all discuss the future. They decide to all take care of each other, no matter what. Next Dorothy’s wedding China is discussed. Sophia brought it all the way from Sicily. Sophia points out that Dorothy never treats her like an old lady and she appreciates that. The agent has been there since he told them and now he just likes them so well he’s going to fight for the president to visit them. Another story, they are upset because Rose has stopped talking to them. They all wind up in Sopha’s room trying to solve the problem. They are upset about a diary of Rose’s they found and read. But it’s not about them, it was her 4H pig diary. They all make up. Then we go into the Fidel Santiago story. Where he was dating both Blanche and Sophia. The agent returns and lets them know that the President will be coming to visit them. Rose has made a giant welcome sign for the president. Dorothy is planning to hit the president with hard questions when he arrives. They go into another story about a romantic cruise they were going on with their boyfriends. And how they went to the pharmacy to buy condoms and the cashier attempted to shame them but Blanche put him in his place. The next story they tell us is about the new toilet and how Dorothy and Rose tried to install it. It gets left in the living room as they can’t move it and Sophia thinks it’s amazing in the living room. It’s now the day of the president’s arrival. There is a lot of security. Stan shows up too. He’s created a novelty for the event to try and sell. They kick him out. The agent likes Stan’s novelty light. He informs them that everyone passed the background check but Sophia. It’s her second marriage to Max that is the issue. She tells him the whole story and that they aren’t together anymore. The agent asks what groups they belong to. They confess to being in an Elvis fan club and then tell a story about the club. It’s now the day of the president’s arrival. They are all nervous. Dorothy still plans to give him a hard time. He comes to the door for a photo op. He meets everyone one by one. And finally Dorothy. He’s told she’s a teacher and he asks her for suggestions. All she can do is stutter and sputter.
Categories: The Golden Girls, TV Shows