Show: The Golden Girls
Title: It’s a Miserable Life
Original Air Date: November 1, 1986
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* Sophia: Because Frieda Claxton is a miserable, vial, scum sucking, crank who gives nice old ladies like me a bad name.
* Rose: I think there’s some good in everybody.
* Mrs. Claxton: With my binoculars I can see right into your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal, I’m looking into it.
* Dorothy: Ma, where are you going?
Sophia: To throw some holy water on her. If she spits up pea soup and her head spins around we’re in big trouble.
* Rose: How can you hate a living thing?
Mrs. Claxton: I hate you.
* Rose: That’s it! I’ve had all I’m going to take from you. Now if you dn’t have the common deceny to treat people like human beings well then I’m sure as hell not gonna waste my time kissing your fanny. Now if you don’t like it Mrs. Claxton you just sit there and shut up while we have our say. And if you don’t like it then just drop dead. Go on Dorothy.
* Sophia: You know when you told her to drop dead?
Sophia: I think she did.
* Blanche: Rose you have to put this thing behind you. You killed Mrs. Claxton two days ago.
* Blanche: It was hard to get my daddy angry, but once you did he could be a real peckerwood.
Synopsis: The girls are trying to get people to sign a petition to save an old oak tree. Rose comes home and tells them that Mrs. Claxton won’t sign the petition. Everyone is upset. Rose starts a St. Olaf story and everyone runs to the kitchen. However, she follows and tells the story. Rose decides to try and prove that Mrs. Claxton is a nice person. Everyone thinks she crazy. It’s now the day of the city council hearing about the tree. While they wait, Sophia tells a story about how things get solved in Sicily. Rose comes running up to them with news that Mrs. Claxton has decided to save the oak tree. Mrs. Claxton arrives and insults Blanche. Then she insults Dorothy. Rose steps in and thanks her for saving the tree. But she tells them that she wants the tree cut down. She just wanted the Danish. The meeting is in full swing. The oak tree is brought up. Mrs. Claxton speaks up telling them she doesn’t care if the tree has been cut down. Rose stands up to Mrs. Claxton and tells her to drop dead. Then Mrs. Claxton actually dies. Later that night in the kitchen, Dorothy tries to console Rose. Blanche comes home and tells Rose to get over killing Mrs. Claxton. It turns out that she will be buried in an unmarked grave and there won’t be a funeral. Blanche tells them about the funeral that was held for her when she was 16 and faked her death. Sophia comes in and asks about the funeral. They all decide to go in together to give Mrs. Claxton a funeral. They all go to the funeral home to get the funeral set up. The funeral director is quite full of crap. He thinks it’s for Sophia and she nearly sends him to an early grave. They are horrified by the prices of the caskets. They pick a $200 pine box. It’s the evening of the funeral and the four are at the funeral home. No one comes. A woman comes rushing hope she wasn’t late. She speaks but when she says her friends name it’s not Freida Claxton. When she learns it’s Mrs. Claxton’s funeral she kicks the pine box, curses her and storms out. Rose winds up getting more upset. As they prepare to leave, they get handed Mrs. Claxton’s ashes. She’s not in the pine box. The next day Blanche is freaked out. Dorothy just thinks she had a man over. Blanche thinks Mrs. Claxton is haunting the house. Sophia is the one who was making all the noise. Rose rushes in and she’s found a final resting place for Mrs. Claxton. She sprinkled the ashes on the oak tree. The tree is saved. They all go outside to look at it. Sophia joins them and points out that a dog is using the tree.