Show: The Golden Girls
Title: The Actor
Original Air Date: January 17, 1987
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* Dorothy: Ma, why are you wearing a raincoat? It’s 85 outside
Sophia: I had a chill.
* Dorothy: I have another question. Are you wearing a saber under your coat?
Sophia: Yeah, I think it is. I’ll see you later.
* Rose: I hate to admit it but he melts my Haagen Daas.
Dorothy: Rose, you tramp.
* Sophia: What, you’re embarrassed by your own mother?
Dorothy: When she’s dressed like Vasco de Gama, yes.
* Patrick: I’m afraid I popped your bosoms.
Blanche: Don’t you worry about a think Patrick, my back up pair can take a lot more punishment.
* Patrick: There’s something I’ve wanted to ask you all day.
Rose: Mine are real.
* Blanche: I’ll tell you what time it is. It’s time for a hanging. Somebody get me a rope.
Rose: And a tree from props
All ladies: Yeah!!
* Blanche: You sir are nothing but a lowdown carpetbagging scallywag and as God as my witness I will never shampoo your hair again.
* Rose: I feel so common, so cheap, so used. How do you usually deal with that Blanche?
Synopsis: Sophia comes home wearing a raincoat. Dorothy immediately asks her why as she barrels towards her room. Dorothy makes her take off the coat. Sophia tells her she got a job at a seafood shanty and the pirate outfit is her uniform. She explains to Dorothy that she got the job because she needs money. She and Dorothy argue and Sophia storms off. Blanche and Rose arrive home in an excited mood. They tell Dorothy that they got Patrick Vaughn to star in the community play. Sophia heads off to work. Rose asks her about the uniform. At the playhouse, the three ladies are preparing Patrick’s dressing room. There is a knock and they think it’s Patrick, but it’s actually Sophia. While they argue Patrick Vaughn arrives. Dorothy turns to mush and all three of them fawn over him. They all fight over who is going to give him a tour of the theater. But he politely begs off to go shoot a commercial. It’s now the next day and casting is going on. Dorothy is the first of the girls to audition. Next up is Blanche. When she takes off her shawl she has giant bosoms. Her audition is going well until they embrace and he deflates her chest. Patrick then ends auditions and announces the few speaking roles. The girls don’t get a speaking role. As they leave, Patrick stops Blanche. He asks her out. She happily accepts. He asks her not to tell anyone. He gives her a kiss that causes her to lose the ability to speak. Rose comes back looking for her and finds Patrick. Patrick asks Rose out as well and she also accepts. Rose leaves and Dorothy arrives and Patrick asks her out as well. Later that week Blanche and Patrick arrive at the house and she’s overjoyed. Dorothy arrives home and she is livid about Patrick being there with Blanche. They cover by saying they added a stunt where Blanche gets tossed to the floor. Patrick and Dorothy are about to kill when Rose walks in and Patrick drops Dorothy on the floor. They make up a story about contact solution to cover. He gets rid of Dorothy and kisses Rose. As Patrick leaves all of them say they’ll see him tonight and cover by saying a the theater. That night at the playhouse, Blanche and Rose are both looking for Patrick. The stage manager tells Patrick that the person playing the sheriff is sick. Dorothy takes over the part as she is the only one who fits the costume. Another person comes looking for Patrick and she blabs about their affair. Blanche and Rose discover he’s been seeing more than just them and are not happy. The play finally starts. It starts going downhill as Rose and Blanche are fighting during the play. They apologize but continue the fight shortly after. Blanche, forgetting there is an audience, yells at him. Blanche and Rose clue in Dorothy to what’s being going on. Blanche’s temper hits is boiling point and she confronts him in the middle of the play. Turns out he took advantage of the whole cast. He is forced to defend himself. Dorothy kicks him out and when the audience starts to applaud they all look a bit shocked. They bow several times. When they get home they are all upset. The three talk about how he made them feel.