Season: 2
Episode: 11
Title: Where’s Elka?
Original Air Date: June 15, 2011
Guest Stars:
George Wendt: Yoder
Monica Horan: Sarah
Stephen Dunham: Abher
Amy Sedaris: Heather
Jeff Martin: Governor Shaw
Synopsis: The ladies search Elka’s computer to discover she is heading to Canada. On the way they find her car outside an Amish bar. She’s with Yoder. The ladies get drunk and nearly miss Yoder. In their drunken haze they performed the movie Witness for the men at the bar. Victoria recognize the name Yoder and follows him. She wakes up in a bed filled with women and Elka. Victoria embraces Amish life. Melanie and Joy wake up in a bar looking, well, not so hot. Joy’s hair is a fright and Melanie’s got a beard. The bartender explains how they performed, in their drunken haze, the movie Witness for the men at the bar. Joy and Melanie get lost trying to find Yoder and instead find Elka. Elka takes them to where Victoria is. They start to leave but Victoria tells them she is staying. Melanie and Joy trick Elka back to the house so she doesn’t miss her sentencing. The Governor’s wife if waiting for them when they arrive. For Joy keeping her mouth shut she offers a green card. Joy decides to have her help Elka instead. Heather says she can do both and leaves. As they celebrate Victoria returns very excited for electricity, heat, and champagne. Yoder has followed her as he wishes to marry her. But he winds up with none of the ladies. Instead, he goes on a date with Elka.
Click on either link to grab the second season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.
Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 2
iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 2 – Hot in Cleveland
Favorite Quotes:
* Victoria: All right, why don’t you check her recent searches?
Melanie: Yeah, good idea. Okay, uh, Mountie. Mountie shirtless. Mountie shirtless playing volleyball.
Victoria: Well, we’re learning how her mind works.
* Joy: Pull over.
Victoria: Don’t hit me, not with those hands.
* Victoria: Wait, wait, wait. You can’t leave me here with these people.
Amish Woman: Do I dream? Thou has the face of a goddess.
Victoria: Well, I suppose I could stay for a little while.
* Melanie: Look at your hair.
Joy: My hair? Look at your face.
Melanie: Oh, my God! How did I get this beard?
* Melanie: Joy, the beard won’t come off.
Joy: Well, look on the bright side. At least it means you’re married.
* Amish Woman: Thy hands are as soft as a sheep’s udder. And thy lashes as long as a cow’s.
Victoria: I think I’m getting why there are no great Amish poets.
* Amish Woman: Lots of lashes?
Victoria: Yes.
Amish Woman: That’s our punishment for wearing mascara.
* Amish Woman: What part of “no TV” dost thou not understand?
Victoria: I’m just surprised. So you like me just for me?
* Joy: This is ridiculous. We’ve been driving around for hours, and now we’re in a buggy traffic jam. Move your ass!
Melanie: Joy!
Joy: Well, I could say “move your donkey,” but it’s not as satisfying.
* Joy: At the moment, are you really in a position to call someone else mannish?
Melanie: Oh, yeah. I don’t have food in it, do I? I don’t wanna be one of those guys.
* Amish Woman: And thee must be Joy.
Joy: How did you know?
Amish woman: Elka told me thee put forth thy legs like the midday meal.
Elka: Except that men actually get excited about the midday meal.
* Joy: I am trying to help you, you stubborn old frost-top.
Elka: And I’m trying to help you, you half-naked tea bag.
Transcript:
Melanie: Okay, I have Elka’s computer. It should give us a clue to where she is.
Victoria: All right, give it to me.
Joy: Where should we look first?
Melanie: She if she’s looked up any maps or made hotel reservations or maybe printed out any airline tickets.
Victoria: Oh, my God.
Melanie: Oh, no. What is it?
Victoria: Listen to this. “Victoria Chase is the thinking man’s sex symbol.” Well, that’s just great. I’m sexy if you really put your mind to it.
Joy: You googled yourself?
Victoria: It’s my morning ritual. You know, if I can relax about how I’m currently being perceived by the public, then I am much better able to focus on
Melanie: Finding Elka?
Victoria: Yes, that, yes.
Joy: I don’t believe it.
Melanie: Oh, what?
Joy: There’s still no explanation from the governor’s office on the issue of the “mystery hooker.”
Melanie: You googled yourself too?
Joy: Well, she did it first. And there’s all these snarky comments about my giant hands. Stupid picture! My hands are not huge. Stop doing that.
Melanie: Okay, fine. We have bigger problems than Joy’s hands, although that hardly seems possible. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. We have one day to find her and bring her back in time for her sentencing.
Joy: You’re right. If the cops pick her up as a fugitive, they’ll go much harder on her.
Victoria: All right, why don’t you check her recent searches?
Melanie: Yeah, good idea. Okay, uh, Mountie. Mountie shirtless. Mountie shirtless playing volleyball.
Victoria: Well, we’re learning how her mind works.
Melanie: How to bedazzle a maple leaf.
Joy: Ladies, I think we’re going to Canada. What are you doing now?
Victoria: Oh, I’m googling what they think of me in Canada. Ah, oh. Eternally youthful. Oh, we are so going to Canada.
Radio: Well, folks, we’re talking about what everyone’s talking about, the governor’s mystery hooker. And this just in, breaking news from an anonymous source, that she- if it is a she- is a foreigner facing deportation by the I.N.S.
Joy: What? How would they even know that?
Melanie: They certainly didn’t hear it from me.
Victoria: Well, the media has its ways. You really have to suspect everyone.
Joy: You’re my friend.
Victoria: Yes, and as your friend, I am horrified by my actions. But as a newswoman, I have to keep this story juicy so that when I break the exclusive, it’ll be a huge career advancer.
Joy: Pull over.
Victoria: Don’t hit me, not with those hands.
Joy: I’m not gonna hit you. Look. Isn’t that Elka’s car over there next to those Horse and buggies?
Victoria: What is this, an old-timey gay bar?
Melanie: Wow, what’s with the costumes?
Joy: And the chin slinkies?
Victoria: We’re from America.
Bartender: Lower thy voice, woman. We are neither foreign nor deaf. We are Amish.
Melanie: Oh, we’re in Ohio’s Amish country. Yes, I’ve read about this. Did you know that Ohio has more Amish than Pennsylvania? The men with the facial hair, they’re married, right?
Bartender: The beards are designed to tell single women to stay away.
Joy: They’re working.
Bartender: Are thee what the outsiders might call supermodels?
Victoria and Joy: Yes.
Melanie: No.
Joy: Actually, we’re just regular models.
Melanie: Look, we’re looking for our friend Elka. We saw her car parked out front. Do you know where she is?
Bartender: No, but I’ve just begun my shift. Thee should get word to Yoder. He knows all.
Melanie: Okay, great. Well, do you have his number? ‘Cause we really need to find her.
Bartender: Sorry, no telephones in Amish country. But he shall be here anon.
Victoria: Oh, I guess we can wait for him here, right?
Melanie: Okay.
Joy: Suppose so.
Bartender: Might I get thee something for thy thirst? We provide three choices: the sexy mule, the married beard, or hot cider.
Melanie: Hot cider sounds okay.
Victoria: Yes.
Joy: We’ll take three.
Melanie: Oh, my. Wow. And I thought we got a lot of male attention in Cleveland.
Victoria: To them, I’m a sex symbol, period. The thinking begins and ends with, “I wanna do her.”
Bartender: No charge. They will be fighting to pay for it. There’s not a man in this bar who would not give thee his milkiest goat.
Victoria: I’m trying to decide whether I want that to be a euphemism.
Bartender: I warn thee, tis not commonly a drink for ladies.
Joy: Thank you, my good fellow, but I think we can hold our apple cider.
Yoder: Evening, everybody.
Everybody: Yoder!
Bartender: What would you say to a sexy mule?
Yoder: Not tonight, dear. I’ve got a headache. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’ll take two, please, to go. Ah. And here they go.
Yoder: Night, Abner.
Bartender: Night, Yoder.
Victoria: Yoder? Wait. You’re the Yoder that we need to talk to. Don’t just stand there, Joy, come on.
Victoria: What the- Where am I?
Elka: Hey, people are trying to sleep here.
Victoria: Elka?
Elka: Good morrow to thee, stranger. How did you know I was here?
Victoria: We saw your car parked outside the bar. We thought you were going to Canada.
Elka: I was, but my car broke down and I decided to hide out here.
Victoria: But your sentencing is tomorrow.
Elka: I’m not going back to the slammer. I’m outta here.
Victoria: Wait, wait, wait. You can’t leave me here with these people.
Amish Woman: Do I dream? Thou has the face of a goddess.
Victoria: Well, I suppose I could stay for a little while.
Melanie: Look at your hair.
Joy: My hair? Look at your face.
Melanie: Oh, my God! How did I get this beard? Why am I wearing these clothes?
Bartender: Together thee and thy friends performed the movie Witness for us.
Joy: Where’s Victoria?
Bartender: The one who speaks without cease about something called an Emmy?
Joy: Yep, that’d be her all right.
Bartender: She left with Yoder. I will give thee directions to his farm.
Melanie: Joy, the beard won’t come off.
Joy: Well, look on the bright side. At least it means you’re married.
Amish Woman: Don’t worry, Yoder will get word to thy friends.
Victoria: Oh, I’m sure he will. And to be honest, I’m kind of enjoying myself here. Your whole “no mirror” thing really frees up the day. I’m not sure that I can do this. I’ve never actually sewn on a button before.
Amish Woman: That’s Amish sign language. They are too shy to speak in thy presence.
Victoria: Really? What are they saying?
Amish Woman: They say thou art so beautiful to look at and say such amusing things.
Victoria: Oh, well, thouest are welcomeest.
Amish Woman: Here, let me show thee.
Victoria: What?
Amish Woman: Thy hands are as soft as a sheep’s udder. And thy lashes as long as a cow’s.
Victoria: I think I’m getting why there are no great Amish poets. It’s just mascara. You can buy it anywhere. It’s called “Lots of lashes.”
Amish Woman: Lots of lashes?
Victoria: Yes.
Amish Woman: That’s our punishment for wearing mascara. Except when we’re on Rumspringa.
Victoria: Rumspringa?
Amish Woman: It means “running around.” When we are teenagers, we go out and experience some of the outside world. That way when we return to our Amish ways, there is surety in knowing this is what one’s heart truly desires.
Victoria: Well, that’s a very enlightened idea.
Amish Woman: They like thee.
Victoria: Really? And you truly don’t know who I am? You’ve never seen Edge of Tomorrow or any of my Lifetime original movies? It’s basic cable.
Amish Woman: What part of “no TV” dost thou not understand?
Victoria: I’m just surprised. So you like me just for me?
Amish Woman: You have a beautiful soul. We are blessed with the ability to see such things.
Victoria: I am so touched. Wow, look at me, living among the Amish. It seems like something Madonna would do.
Amish Woman: Who?
Victoria: You don’t even know who Madonna is?
Amish Woman: No, but she sounds suspiciously catholic.
Joy: This is ridiculous. We’ve been driving around for hours, and now we’re in a buggy traffic jam. Move your ass!
Melanie: Joy!
Joy: Well, I could say “move your donkey,” but it’s not as satisfying. Still no reception?
Melanie: Nope, no telephone reception in Amish country.
Joy: But I have to get in contact with the Governor’s office.
Melanie: Would you relax? On the radio they said they still don’t know who you are. And thanks to your hands, most people don’t even think you’re a woman.
Joy: At the moment, are you really in a position to call someone else mannish?
Melanie: Oh, yeah. I don’t have food in it, do I? I don’t wanna be one of those guys. We’re lost. Let’s ask that old Amish woman for directions. Excuse me. Elka!
Joy: Elka?
Elka: Thee are mistaken, hookers.
Victoria: Well, this is better than the shake weight. Oh, it’s this, uh- Well, I don’t really know what it is, but of course I ordered it. Always on the eternal quest to be thinner, tighter, younger. You see, once you’re a certain age, casting directors don’t give you audition scenes. They give you names of plastic surgeons.
Amish Woman: Don’t these casting directors recognize what God made?
Victoria: Trust me, in Hollywood, God doesn’t even recognize what he made. Um, it’s a little chilly in here. Don’t you ever think, you know, a little electricity wouldn’t kill us?
Amish Woman: Reliance on public power ties us to the world.
Victoria: Yeah, but don’t you ever want something more?
Amish Woman: Doesn’t thee ever tire of always wanting something more?
Victoria; Yes. Yes, I do. Boy, living here must be very freeing.
Amish Woman: Oh, indeed. Thee would truly find peace here.
Victoria: Oh, that sounds nice.
Amish Woman: It is time to taste.
Victoria: Oh. Oh, my lord. Is that what butter tastes like? That is fantastic, and I made it.
Amish Woman: Your first churn.
Victoria: Oh. Oh, and look, a callous. I am so excited.
Amish Woman: Soon thine hands will be covered in these.
Victoria: A little less excited.
(knocking)
Joy: Victoria, are you in there?
Victoria: Oh, it’s my friends. Oh, hi, guys. Oh, good, you caught Elka. Let me introduce you. Of course you know Elka already.
Amish Woman: And thee must be Joy.
Joy: How did you know?
Amish woman: Elka told me thee put forth thy legs like the midday meal.
Elka: Except that men actually get excited about the midday meal.
Victoria: And this is-
Melanie: Hi.
Victoria: Mel?
Amish Woman: A man is here. Quick, take off his boots. Fetch him a plate and a warm cloth for his brow.
Melanie: No, no, I’m not a man, I’m not a man. Although you’re kinda making me wish I was. No, it’s very nice to meet you, but, Victoria, we have got to get back to Cleveland.
Elka: And I’ve got to get to Canada.
Joy: We promised we’d take her to Canada if she helped us find you. So come on, let’s get a move on.
Victoria: No. I’m not going with you.
Melanie: What?
Victoria: I have embraced the simple way. No more running around looking for what I need. Now I will stay in the home, and what I need will come to me.
Joy: You said that exact speech when you joined Netflix.
Victoria: I like it here. And they like me, and they don’t even know who I am.
Elka: That might change when they do.
Victoria: I want to learn to be at peace with myself.
Amish Woman: Colossians 3:15.
Victoria: “Let the peace of God rule in your heart.” It’s an excellent passage.
Melanie: You read the whole Bible?
Victoria: There’s no TV.
Melanie: Did you have to rip my beard off like that?
Elka: You tricked me.
Melanie: We had to. I know we said we’d take you to Canada.
Joy: But we also knew you’d fall asleep if we put on NPR.
Elka: Frickin’ Garrison Keillor.
Heather: Welcome home, ladies.
Joy: Mrs. Shaw.
Elka: Who’s she?
Joy: The governor’s wife. How did you get in here?
Heather: There was a spare key in the obviously fake rock on your porch. You should be more careful. This is home security month. My brainchild. Didn’t you see the ethnically balanced thugs on the billboards?
Joy: Why haven’t you released a statement clarifying that I’m not your husband’s mistress? I was just shaping his eyebrows.
Heather: We were waiting for the polls to come in. If the governor admits to infidelity, his poll numbers will go down 5%. But if he admits to getting his eyebrows groomed, they go down 20%. This is Ohio. We want our men to be ungroomed and our vegetables to be meat.
Joy: And what am I supposed to do?
Heather: Just keep your mouth shut. And in exchange I will use my influence to get you a green card.
Melanie: Joy, that’s fantastic.
Joy: I get to stay in America.
Elka: That’s another reason to go to Canada.
Melanie: Elka, come on. I know you’re happy Joy is staying.
Elka: What’s it to me? I’ll be in jail.
Joy: No, you won’t. Look, forget the green card. The favor I want from you is to get the governor to pardon Elka. I don’t want her old bones rattling around in jail making me feel guilty.
Elka: No, no. Help Joy. I don’t want her skinny butt shipped off to England making me feel guilty.
Joy: You shouldn’t be in prison. You’re, like, a million years old.
Elka: You have two people who can stand you. You won’t find that anywhere else.
Joy: I am trying to help you, you stubborn old frost-top.
Elka: And I’m trying to help you, you half-naked tea bag.
Heather: I could do both.
Elka and Joy: Oh!
Joy: Deal.
Melanie: Yay!
Heather: Now, if you’ll excuse me, ladies, I need to go home and tell my husband he’s been cheating and bravely stand by him.
Governor: I have disgraced my gorgeous wife with a woman who’s not fit to mention in the same sentence, a woman who meant nothing to me, a woman of low moral character.
Joy: All right, we get it. Oh, who cares? I get my green card, and you don’t go to prison.
Joy: To us.
Melanie and Elka: To us.
Elka: All right, I’ll say it. It doesn’t feel like a celebration without Victoria.
Melanie: No, it doesn’t.
Victoria: Ah. Oh, thank God. Champagne and electricity and heat. And somebody just run the blender. I don’t even care if there’s anything in it.
Melanie: I thought you wanted to be Amish.
Victoria: Well, it turns out I was just Amish-ish. It was all very fulfilling and enlightening, but after working all day long they started talking about tomorrow. And there was this whole laundry list of chores, and one of them was laundry.
Joy: Well, we’re glad you’re home.
Victoria: Oh, and I am so happy to be home. And you know what, I think I’m even happier because I experienced their way of life. Oh, my gosh. That was my Rumspringa.
Joy: Your what?
Victoria: Uh, it’s a journey of discovery. And I learned that a life of excess and self-involvement is where my true heart lieth. Oh, dear. He followed me.
Melanie: Who?
Victoria: Oh, it’s my husband.
Joy: What?
Victoria: Yoder. Well, my husband-to-be. He won me fair and square in a corn shucking.
Yoder: Victoria, I have found thee. Ladies.
Victoria: Hello, Yoder. I’m sorry that I left with such haste, but you see, I cannot-
Yoder: Please, I’ve traveled many miles. Hear me out. I long to build a life with thee, a life full of kindness and devotion, and all that can be provided by a true heart and two strong hands.
Victoria: Oh, my goodness, that is so sweet but-
Elka: She’s not a virgin.
Yoder: Good day. (to Melanie) What about thee?
Melanie: Oh, two kids.
Yoder (to Joy): And thee?
Elka: Thou has to asketh?
Yoder (to Elka) Thee?
Elka: Uh, I’m, uh Let’s discuss it over dinner. Hey, it’s a date. Don’t waiteth up.
Categories: Hot In Cleveland Forever
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