Show: Mama’s Family
Season: 3 Episode: 14
Title: Desperately Seeking Anyone
Original Air Date: January 10, 1987
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Favorite Quotes:* Thelma: Grab your forks, we gotta serve this thing while it’s still hot.
Bubba: Well, are we supposed to eat it or slam dunk it?
* Thelma: You mean to tell me you let your mother scratch herself silly over some guy reading a magazine on a bus?
* Naomi: Wish she would find a man of her own.
Thelma: That’s it. If Iola had a man of her own to keep her occupied she wouldn’t be coming over here all the time.
* Naomi: How is Iola going to find a man? She can’t even sit next to one on a bus.
Thelma: I can find her a man. Shoot, you’re looking at a woman who could make goat cheese rise.
* Thelma: Well, I can’t advertise Iola like she’s a while sale a Penney’s.
* Naomi: Ms. Harper, these guys want a date not a golden retriever. We have to give Iola a little more pizzaz.
Thelma: You mean we’re gonna lie?
Naomi: No, we’re just gonna stretch the truth a little.
* Thelma: Good Lord, that truth has more stretch than my control top pantyhose.
* Thelma: Then that settles it. Nobody is going to have a date over here Friday night at 7pm sharp.
* Thelma: You look nice, Hon. Isn’t that your Easter outfit?
Iola: Uh huh. It’s not too flashy is it?
Naomi: No, don’t worry Iola. No one’s going to confuse you with Cher.
* Thelma: You get your hands off me you geriatric gigolo.
Ralph: Oh Oh a wildcat. Deana was a spitfire too.
Thelma: You’re gonna be dancing with Deana if you don’t get the hell out of my kitchen.
* Iola: Don’t speak to me you man stealer.
* Thelma: Oh get a grip on yourself Iola. That man was scum. He was all over me and if you had given him so much as the time of day he’d have been all over you.
* Iola: There’s nothing like a bowling alley to find decent All American Men.
Thelma: That’s right. And if we hurry we can catch them while they are still sober.
Thelma has made a feta cheese soufflé for dinner. Everyone is shocked. Vint whines that it’s meatloaf night. Iola pops in as well. She gets excited at the sight of the soufflé. Iola tells them something happened to her on the bus today. A man sat down next to her instead of one of the empty seats. He started reading his magazine with a lady’s swimwear ad. Thelma is outraged. Iola defends herself though. She tries the soufflé and talks about the goat cheese. Now no one will eat the soufflé. Iola storms out. Naomi complains about her making eyes at Vint all the time. It gives Thelma an idea, to get Iola a man. Naomi doesn’t think it’s possible after her bus story. Thelma is confident she can find a man for Iola. It’s another day and Thelma is calling Roselle about her son. Roselle hangs up on Thelma when she mentions Iola. Naomi comes in the kitchen to see how the search goes. She shows Thelma the Raytown Singles ad. She tries to read it but has no clue what it is. Naomi translates for her. Thelma doesn’t think it’s right to do to Iola. Naomi goads her by telling her she’ll set Iola’s usual spot at the table. After a moment’s pause, Thelma agrees to help with a personal ad for Iola. Naomi decides to stretch the truth. Outside, Bubba asks Vint for advice about a girl. He doesn’t know how to tell if a girl likes him. He gives Bubba an example from an animal show they watched the other night. Iola pops over. She asks what’s the point of pitching cards if they aren’t keeping score. Thelma and Naomi come running out on the porch to talk to Iola. They tell her they are going to get her a date. They put an ad in the Raytown Singles for her. At first Iola gets scared, then excited. They read the ad to her. She doesn’t want them to do it. But Thelma tells her it’s going to be in tomorrow’s paper. Iola faints. Naomi has brought out several boxes to sort the replies to Iola’s ad. Sadly, it’s just three letters and a postcard. Each gets one. Vint reads the postcard but it runs out of space. Bubba reads submission number two. It’s an 85-year-old and Thelma doesn’t bite. Naomi’s letter is far more colorful. Thelma is offended. Thelma reads the last letter. This one is a winner. Iola comes over and she’s very sad. Iola tells them her mother will not let her date. Thelma has a loophole. If Iola were to come over after dinner and a gentleman happened to be there, it’s not exactly a date. It’s now Friday night. They are all getting ready to go bowling. Iola finally arrives. She is a nervous wreck. Iola told her mother she was going to play super bingo. As everyone heads to the bowling alley, Iola begs her not to leave. Thelma grudgingly stays. Iola starts to freak out and leave. Thelma gets her to stay. Iola’s date arrives and she hides behind the drapes. She finally sits on the couch but hides behind a magazine. Thelma tries to lighten up the mood. Thelma attempts to sing Iola’s praises to Ralph. She tells a story that embarrasses Iola. She excuses herself back to the kitchen. Ralph tries asking her questions to spark a conversation. She can only say, “no” each time. He tries music. He asks Iola to dance. She freaks out and runs to the bathroom. He goes to the kitchen and finds Thelma dancing by herself. He grabs her arm, and they tango. She’s impressed with his dancing skill, until the dance ends. He makes a pass at her. He tries to kiss her as Iola comes in the kitchen. Thelma is furious and grabs a cast iron pan. She kicks him out. Then runs to check on Iola. Upset and crying, Iola accuses Thelma of setting the whole thing up so Thelma would get a man. Thelma tries to explain it was Ralph who was making the moves. Thelma confesses she should not have listened to Naomi. The two head down to the bowling alley.