Season: 4
Episode: 22
Title: All My Exes
Original Air Date: August 28, 2013
Guest Stars:
Georgia Engel: Mamie
Encrio Colantoni: Julian
Kelly Schumann: Sally
Brody Hutzler: Andy
Jeffery De Serrano: Guard
Synopsis: Victoria’s shoes arrive for her wedding. The ladies are getting ready to go to Vegas for her bachelorette party. However, Victoria falls down the stairs and then gets smacked in the head by a door, knocking her out. She winds up in the hospital with a slight concussion and has to stay overnight. Mamie and Elka check themselves in. Victoria decides to contact all her ex-husbands to find out what went wrong. It doesn’t go well. They all tell her that she never made them feel like she needed them. Meanwhile, Melanie and Joy find a cute guy who’s been in a coma for 25 years. They fight over him and fantasize. Joy accidentally unplugs his machines. But then he wakes up and kicks them out. They go back to Victoria’s room to find Mamie and Elka but no Victoria. She left a note saying she went to the prison. The guard won’t let her see Emmet, but he does give him her message.
Click on either link to grab the fourth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.
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Favorite Quotes:
* Elka: Aren’t you guys a little long in the tooth for silly superstition?
Joy: Long in the tooth? This from the woman who walked into Caesar’s Palace and said, “wasn’t really like this.”
Elka: Said the loosest slot in Vegas.
* Victoria: I don’t know. You know, they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well, I have had five failed marriages.
Joy: Six. You always forget me.
* Elka: Oh, relax. What happens in orthopedics stays in orthopedics.
Mamie: Just like Vegas.
* Melanie: Look at his beautiful coma skin. You’d never guess he was in his 40s.
Joy: No sun, no stress. It’s like botox without the needles.
* Julian: My work was nominated for a Nobel prize.
Victoria: And my work won an Emmy.
Julian: A daytime Emmy.
Victoria: They all feel the same in the dark.
* Joy: Okay. That didn’t happen. Nobody saw. No harm, no foul.
Melanie: He’s waking up.
Joy: Oh, my god. I’ve rebooted coma guy.
* Andy: Oh, my god. What happened to my face? Look at these wrinkles. Oh, my god, gray hair?
Joy: Who’s the middle-aged mom now, coma douche?
* Melanie: Now, we don’t know what Julian said, but you know he’s toxic. So whatever he said, do the opposite.
Victoria: He said I’m a remarkable woman and I should never change.
Joy: Well, then, I’m glad I keyed his car. Wait, what?
Transcript:
Elka: Vegas, baby!
Melanie: You know, you can’t spend the whole time gambling. This trip is a bachelorette party for Victoria.
Elka: Where is she anyway?
Melanie: Oh, her shoes were just delivered, and it’s bad luck for the bride not to try her wedding shoes on as soon as they arrive.
Elka: Aren’t you guys a little long in the tooth for silly superstition?
Joy: Long in the tooth? This from the woman who walked into Caesar’s Palace and said, “wasn’t really like this.”
Elka: Said the loosest slot in Vegas.
Victoria: Everyone, I have a major announcement.
Melanie: Oh, Victoria.
Victoria: I’ve never felt more beautiful and graceful. I feel like I’m walking on air.
[Victoria falls down the stairs]
Joy: Are you okay?
Victoria: I’m fine. Okay.
Mamie: Vegas, baby.
Mamie: Victoria, I feel terrible.
Victoria: Oh, it was an accident. And on the plus side, I scored the hospital celebrity suite. The Shah of Somewhere-istan was admitted the same time as me, and they put him in a double.
Melanie: Don’t you feel bad about that? I mean, he seemed really sick.
Victoria: Oh, please, he doesn’t even know where he is. He was babbling incoherently.
Joy: He was speaking his language.
Sally: Victoria, great news. It was just a mild concussion.
Victoria: Oh.
Sally: We’re keeping you overnight for observation, but we’re listing you as stable.
Elka: That’s a first.
Melanie: Sally, once again, congratulations on your nursing degree.
Joy: Yeah, your family must be very proud.
Victoria: Yes. Very. Sally was it?
Sally: I’m your next door neighbor. You gave me a makeover. I work in your vet’s office. You told my five-year-old daughter to get her upper lip waxed.
Victoria: Oh, yes. Yes. The little girl I saved from terrible teasing. Oh, like Tom Selleck in a sun dress.
Sally: I hear congratulations are in order for you and Emmet Lawson, too.
Victoria: Oh, thank you. Yes, sir Emmet and I have been on a lot of magazine covers.
Sally: Oh, and the punch line on all the late night shows. You’ve gotta have a pretty thick skin to be in your business.
Victoria: Well, if you can’t take a joke what are you referring to exactly?
Sally: Well, Leno had this great joke last night about how you and Emmet have Plus he’s in prison. Leno was like, “even Lindsay Lohan said, ‘are they sure they know what they’re doing?’ ”
Elka: We were supposed to see Leno in Vegas tonight.
Mamie: And gamble and get room service and massages.
Elka: Yeah. Not to mention that Vegas is a great place to meet guys our age.
Sally: Lot of guys your age in this place too. Hip replacement unit, third floor. Just saying.
Mamie: Should we check it out?
Elka: Why not? They can’t run away.
Victoria (sighs)
Melanie: Oh, honey, you okay?
Victoria: I don’t know. You know, they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well, I have had five failed marriages.
Joy: Six. You always forget me.
Victoria: What makes me think this one will be different? You know, I always blame my ex-husbands on the failure of my marriages, but could it be that I had something to do with it?
Melanie: Oh, no.
Joy: No, never you.
Victoria: Please. You both have always been blind to my faults, but it’s possible. You know what? I am going to get in touch with all of my exes and ask them what I could have done to be a better wife.
Melanie: Even he who must never be mentioned?
Victoria: Yes, even he.
Joy: Honey, I’m not saying this is a bad idea, but you are not the best at handling criticism.
Victoria: How dare you say that I mean, thank you, dear friend, for your well-intentioned, but wildly inaccurate feedback.
Mamie: I can’t believe you were so brazen.
Elka: Oh, relax. What happens in orthopedics stays in orthopedics.
Mamie: Just like Vegas. Only if we were in Vegas, we’d be kicking back in our comfy beds and ordering room service and talking about what we’ll bet on.
Elka: Well, I see two comfy beds right in here.
Mamie: We can’t do that. We’ll get into trouble.
Elka: We’re too old broads in a hospital. Who’s gonna ask questions? Cleveland clinic, baby.
Victoria: “So in answer to your question, Victoria, you were a terrible wife. You made me feel diminished as a man. It took years of therapy to undo the damage you did.” Wow.
Joy: Oh, honey, it’s just one angry email.
Victoria: Email? He posted this as his Facebook status.
Melanie: Victoria, why are you doing this? There’s a reason you told us to never show you bad reviews.
Victoria: Yes, because if you never see something terrible it’s as if it doesn’t exist. You know, like back fat or NBC.
(phone chimes)
Melanie: Oh, who’s that?
Joy: Is it he who must never be mentioned?
Victoria: No, it’s Jesse.
Joy: Oh, well, we know why that marriage didn’t work.
Victoria: Hi, Jesse.
Jesse: Well, if it isn’t the woman who turned me gay.
Victoria: All right, you know what, this might get a little heated. Maybe you should just–
Melanie: Oh, we’ll give you some privacy.
Melanie: So this is good, right? Victoria contacting her exes? I mean, she rushed into all her other marriages without even thinking.
Joy: I don’t know. The last time she took a long, hard look at herself she sued Neiman Marcus over the harsh lighting in the dressing rooms.
Melanie: Ooh. There’s a cute guy. A handsome, sleeping mystery man.
Joy: His name is Andy Gordon. 6′ 1″, single.
Melanie: So far, so good.
Joy: And he’s been in a coma for 25 years.
Melanie: He’s still single. I bet he’d like a visitor.
Joy: What a tragedy.
Melanie: Look at his beautiful coma skin. You’d never guess he was in his 40s.
Joy: No sun, no stress. It’s like botox without the needles. You know, just looking at him, I can tell he’s my type. Deep, complicated, emotionally distant. Trying to escape the influence of an overbearing mother and an absent father.
Melanie: Oh, please, that’s not him. That’s you. No, clearly he’s much more of a boy next door. Aren’t ya, Andy? The kind of guy that can light up any room just by being rolled into it.
Joy: Don’t listen to her, Andy. She doesn’t know you like I do.
Melanie: You know, he looks a little chilly. Why don’t you go ask the nurse for another blanket?
Joy: And leave you two alone? I don’t think so.
Melanie: Hey, we got your text. What did Jesse say?
Victoria: Oh, he said I made him feel invisible. That our marriage was like the Victoria Chase show and he was just a supporting actor. Of course, when I pointed out that I’m still supporting him financially, suddenly Glee was on and he had to scoot.
Joy: Have you heard from any of your other exes?
Victoria: Mm. Not from Ernie or from he who must never be mentioned.
Mamie: Why must he never be mentioned?
Victoria: Because he broke my heart. Badly. Anyway, now I am going to video chat with Clark. He’s in Nairobi.
Joy: Why are you two in hospital robes?
Mamie: We checked in. Turns out a hospital and Vegas aren’t that different. We have cable TV, room service –
Elka: Well, there may not be male strippers, there are a lot guys with gowns open in the back.
Barry: Hello, mother.
Victoria: Oh, no. It’s not Clark. It’s his parrot. We’re sworn enemies.
Barry: Victoria’s a bitch.
Elka: I love that bird.
Joy: You realize he’s a parrot. He only repeats what others have said.
Victoria: Oh, not this parrot. He’s vicious.
Barry: Victoria’s bad in bed.
Victoria: This little beady-eyed pervert used to watch us.
Barry: Lays there like a lox. Lays there like a lox.
Victoria: You know, there’s a lot of movement you can’t see, Barry.
Barry: Good-bye, mother.
Victoria: Oh Maybe this was a stupid idea getting in touch with my exes.
Julian: Hello, Victoria.
Elka: Who’s that?
Melanie: He who must never be mentioned.
Victoria: Oh Oh, my god, Julian, what are you doing here?
Julian: Well, I got your email. You said you were in the hospital.
Victoria: And you flew all the way here from Los Angeles just to see me?
Julian: You sent the email an hour ago. I see your grasp of time and geography haven’t changed. No, I was here at the Cleveland clinic already. I have a transplant this afternoon.
Victoria: Mm. Dr. Julian Cortese is a highly respected brain surgeon.
Julian: Heart surgeon.
Victoria: Well, the heart is the brain of the chest so I’m not entirely wrong, am I?
Julian: Yes, you’re entirely wrong.
Victoria: You remember Melanie and Joy, of course. And and this is Elka and Mamie Sue.
Elka: So who’s getting the new ticker?
Julian: The Shah of Kafiristan. It’s odd he’s sharing a tiny room with a kid with measles.
Mamie: Elka, we should get going. We have wink, wink physical therapy.
Elka: Mamie Sue, you don’t say “wink, wink”. You just wink.
Mamie: Dr. Cortese? I enjoyed your paper on cytomegalovirus serology in transplant recipients.
Julian: Thank you.
Mamie: What? I like to read when I’m getting my nails done.
Julian: So how long’s it been?
Victoria: 20 years.
Julian: Wow. I guess this is the place where we tell each other we haven’t changed a bit.
Victoria: Yeah, well, you better.
Julian: You look beautiful, Victoria.
Melanie: Aww.
Joy: Aww.
Melanie: Yeah, right. We’ll go.
Joy: Yeah.
Julian: So, let’s talk.
Mamie: A little lower, dear.
Sally: The results came in from the Johnson birth and congratulations, 7 pounds, 5 ounces.
Elka: We got the under.
Mamie: I knew most of that was placenta.
Sally: Mamie Sue, I see you signed up for the sponge bath with Johan.
Mamie: I didn’t sign up for a sponge bath.
Elka: I comped you, dear. Enjoy.
Julian: I know it was a long time ago, but I really am sorry for how I ended things with you.
Victoria: Thank you. I-I appreciate that. But right now I need to figure out what I did wrong. I mean, it certainly couldn’t have been easy that my work was so much more important than yours was.
Julian: What are you talking about? That doesn’t even make any sense.
Victoria: Well, you don’t have to be a brain surgeon, which you aren’t to know that I had a more profound effect on the world.
Julian: You’re an actress. I’ve saved lives. I’ve transplanted thousands of hearts.
Victoria: And I have touched millions of hearts with my moving portrayals of strong women overcoming impossible odds.
Julian: My work was nominated for a Nobel prize.
Victoria: And my work won an Emmy.
Julian: A daytime Emmy.
Victoria: They all feel the same in the dark.
Julian: This is how it always went. You drive me nuts.
Victoria: Yeah, well, then why did you come here?
Julian: Because your email, it sounded like maybe for the first time since we’ve known each other that you might actually need me.
Victoria: What do you mean?
Julian: If you really wanna know the truth about what ended our marriage, it was that. I never felt needed. A man needs to feel needed.
Victoria: But men hate needy women.
Julian: No, there’s a difference between being helpless and making someone feel unnecessary. You know that, um, that image women have of a knight on a white horse? It’s not just women that want that. A man wants to be that. And you put this wall around you. I know you need your friends and you need your work, but have you ever really needed a man? Uh I’m sorry if that just hurt you.
Victoria: Actually, you’re not the first ex-husband who said that to me today. But I really want my next marriage to be different, and and maybe I can change.
Julian: You can’t change. You shouldn’t change. You’re an amazing, exciting, remarkable woman. It makes you easy to fall in love with. But hard to be married to.
Melanie: Why can’t you accept that he’s a morning person who prefers white wine and loves to turn a stranger into a friend.
Joy: Because, clearly he’s a night person who loves red wine, has a sensible distaste for humanity, and would totally get my poetry.
Melanie: Nobody gets your poetry. Especially someone who likes to watch Sleepless in Seattle and Love Actually over and over and isn’t afraid to cry just a little every time.
Joy: You know what would make him cry? “Punctured Heart”, by Joy Scroggs. The frozen bird–
Melanie: Please, God. Not Punctured Heart.
Joy: Fine. His lips look dry. I’ll get the ice chips.
Melanie: No, I’ll get the ice chips. What did you do? Plug him back in!
Joy: Okay. That didn’t happen. Nobody saw. No harm, no foul.
Melanie: He’s waking up.
Joy: Oh, my god. I’ve rebooted coma guy.
Andy: Hello?
Melanie: He’s coming to. This is a miracle! How’s my hair?
Andy: Nurse.
Joy: Don’t worry, Andy. We’ll get the nurse, but we won’t leave your side.
Andy: Go away.
Melanie: Sorry, Joy, he just wants me.
Andy: No. I don’t want either one of you. Your poetry sucks, and I am not a morning person.
Joy: You heard everything we said?
Andy: Yeah, it was torture. Look, I’m just a guy who likes to skateboard behind buses. Instead I got two middle-aged moms talking my ear off.
Joy: “Middle-aged”? How old do you think you are?
Andy: I’m 19, dude.
Joy: Really?
Andy: Oh, my god. What happened to my face? Look at these wrinkles. Oh, my god, gray hair?
Joy: Who’s the middle-aged mom now, coma douche?
Melanie: Oh, it’s a text from Elka. You don’t even know what that is.
Melanie: What’s going on?
Elka: We got kicked out of our room.
Mamie: And I’m only half-sponged.
Joy: Where’s Victoria?
Mamie: She was gone when we got here.
Melanie: Oh, no. “I’ve gone to the prison to end my engagement to Emmet. I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d stop me and try to talk me out of it.”
Joy: Oh, my god. We’ve got to stop her and try to talk her out of it.
Guard: I’m sorry, ma’am. Visiting hours are over.
Victoria: Oh, please? I need to tell him something before I lose my nerve.
Guard: There’s nothing I can do.
Victoria: Oh, there must be something you can do. I-I mean, I’m sure that a hard-working, but poorly paid man like you probably wouldn’t take a bribe.
Guard: I wouldn’t.
Victoria: And you wouldn’t know anyone else who would take a bribe?
Guard: I would not.
Victoria: Oh, please?
Guard: All right. I’ll ask my supervisor if there’s something we can do.’
Victoria: Thank you. I specifically told you not to come here.
Joy: What kind of friends would we be if we did the things you asked?
Melanie: Now, we don’t know what Julian said, but you know he’s toxic. So whatever he said, do the opposite.
Victoria: He said I’m a remarkable woman and I should never change.
Joy: Well, then, I’m glad I keyed his car. Wait, what?
Victoria: It’s not just him. Julian just made clear what all my exes were telling me. I put up a wall around me and I don’t make them feel needed and and I-I can’t do that to Emmet. And you both know that I can’t change.
Melanie: But you have changed. We’ve seen you with all your husbands. And you’re different with Emmet. You’re open and vulnerable with him.
Joy: You’re almost like a normal woman. I wrote a poem about it called Heart Shadows. The bleak, dark, ooze –
Melanie: Not now, Joy. Listen, we spent all day fantasizing that a guy in a coma was everything we wanted in a man. Honey, you have that for real. Do not throw it away. You love him.
Victoria: I’m doing this because I love him.
Guard: I’m sorry, ma’am. There’s nothing I can do. Come back tomorrow.
Victoria: No, I can’t leave now knowing that he’s 20 feet away and I can’t talk to him.
Guard: You’re wasting your time.
Victoria: No, no, no, wait. You don’t understand. Look, I need to see him, I need to talk to him. I need him.
Guard: Okay. Maybe I can get a message to him. What do you want me to say?
Victoria: Just tell him I need him.
Guard: That’s it?
Victoria: That’s huge. Just please go tell him. I need him.
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