Hot in Cleveland S03, Ep02 – Beards

Season: 3
Episode: 2
Title: Beards
Original Air Date: December 7, 2011

Guest Stars:
Laura San Giacomo: Caroline
Gilles Marini: Captain Lebeau
Sandra Bernhard: Nan

Synopsis: The ladies are freezing to death. Victoria gets asked to speak on a lesbian cruise. All four go. The ladies fall in love with the Captain. Melanie’s sister is on the cruise too. Melanie is shocked. Joy and Victoria each have a fling with the Captain. Melanie’s sister finds out that she isn’t gay and is upset. They talk it out and make up. As Victoria and Joy get ready for Victoria’s talk they start arguing about the Captain. They don’t know that the microphone is on and all the cruisers can hear everything. Victoria apologies, she and Joy fight. Melanie gets the Captain.

Click on either link to grab the third season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 3

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 3 – Hot in Cleveland

Favorite Quotes:

* Elka: I’m like a Russian doll up in here.

* Joy: No, no. We agreed no more functions. This is a function. A floating function for which there is no escape.

* Elka: It’s a cruise muumuu. The most forgiving of all the muumuus.
Victoria: It’s huge.
Elka: Well, now. In six days, it’ll be skintight.

* Victoria: So you broke into my cabin, and now you’re hiding in my shower? In a less sexy man, that would be creepy.

* Caroline: It looks scoured.
Melanie: Is that beard burn?
Elka: Joy, got a little captain in you?

* Victoria: And to those who have been deceived, in this whole misguided fake gay marriage escapade, and especially to my dear friend and soon to be ex-wife, Joy. You know, of all my ex-spouses, you truly are the most supportive and understanding.
Joy: I’m still keeping the Doucette Freres.
Victoria: Over my dead body!


Elka: Oh.
Melanie: Do you think I should put on another sweater?
Elka: I’m wearing five.
Melanie: Five?
Elka: I’m like a Russian doll up in here.
Victoria: I have got a fantastic announcement. Now that I’m a gay celebrity, I’ve been invited to give a talk on an exclusive lesbian cruise to the Caribbean.
Elka: How’s the food?
Victoria: Well, how would I know? I don’t even know how the food is here.
Melanie: Are you one of those people that goes crazy for cruise food?
Elka: I’ve been on six cruises. Never seen the ocean.
Victoria: Oh, who cares about food? The most powerful gay women in Hollywood will be listening as I share my inspiring story of falling in love and marrying Joy.
Melanie: But it’s all a lie.
Victoria: You know, a story doesn’t have to be true to be inspiring. I mean, Titanic proved that.
Joy: My car got stuck in a snowdrift.
Melanie: So? There’s always some guy that’ll help us get it out.
Joy: And there was. And he was cute. And he asked me out. But I had to say no because I’m married to you. I want a divorce.
Victoria: And you shall have one after I have squeezed every last drop of advantage out of this marriage. And to say thank you, I am taking you on a Caribbean cruise.
Joy: Really? ‘Cause I’ve heard cruises are great places to meet men.
Victoria: They often are, but this one is gay, and they want us to talk about how happy we are.
Joy: No, no. We agreed no more functions. This is a function. A floating function for which there is no escape.
Victoria: Okay, I can’t believe that I’m saying this, but ok, what if I gave you my Doucette Freres handbag?
Joy: The Doucette Freres? Really?
Elka: What is it?
Melanie: Only the greatest handbag that civilization has ever produced.
Victoria: Oh, leather as soft as a baby’s bottom and twice as useful.
Joy: Crafted in a small town of Saint-Amedee by a single family with tiny hands. The result of mercury poisoning in the local river.
Victoria: When they cleaned up that river, that was the end of Doucette Freres.
Joy: Okay. I’ll do it. For the bag.
Victoria: All right.
Elka: Great. Welcome aboard.
Victoria: Well, who said you could go?
Elka: Well, I could stay home, call the press and out you.
Victoria: Are you willing to be gay?
Elka: I’m gay for heat.

[Cruise ship horn blares]
Victoria: Hey [Gasps] Oh, look. They highlighted my talk.
Joy: “A journey to Joy: My sexual awakening at the hands of a middle-aged lesbian.” Oh, God. I need to see the bag again.
Victoria: Oh. No, no. Mustn’t expose it to the sea air.
Elka: I’ve had two meals already. We haven’t even left port. And I had port.
Melanie: Is this a muumuu?
Elka: It’s a cruise muumuu. The most forgiving of all the muumuus.
Victoria: It’s huge.
Elka: Well, now. In six days, it’ll be skintight.
Captain: Hello, ladies. Welcome aboard. I’m Captain Lebeau. And you must be Victoria Chase.
Victoria: Indeed I am.
Captain: [Laughs] And your friends?
Victoria: Who? Oh, uh, yes. This is, uh, Melanie, Elka, and of course, my lovely wife, Joy.
Captain: Enchante.
Joy: Aren’t you a charming, charming, charming man.
Captain: I try. I’ll see all of you later.
Victoria: Yes, yes.
Joy: I certainly hope so.
Victoria: I’ll be in touch.
Elka: Way to be gay, guys.
Victoria: All right, well, if we can’t have a man, we can at least have Manhattans. Go fetch us some drinks.

Caroline: Melanie?
Melanie: Caroline.
Caroline: Oh, my God. That’s my sister. I can’t believe this.
Melanie: I didn’t even know you were gay.
Caroline: This is blowing my mind. We’re both gay.
Melanie: [Stammering] Yeah. Right. Because why else would we be on a gay cruise?
Nan: Caroline, baby. Mommy’s thirsty.
Caroline: Melanie, this is my girlfriend, Nan. Nan, this is my sister, Melanie. She’s gay.
Melanie: [Laughs] Yeah, and she’s gay.
Nan: If she isn’t, I owe her an apology for last night.
Caroline: Melanie, we have so much to talk about. So much time to make up for. We finally have something in common. This changes everything!

[Knocking at door]
Joy: Captain Lebeau. What an unexpected pleasure.
Captain: I try. I want to invite both of you to dine with me at the captain’s table tonight.
Victoria: Of course. What time?
Captain: 2100 hours?
Victoria: From now?
Captain: No. No. It is the same as two bells on the first watch.
Victoria: Well, that clarifies it handsomely.
Melanie: Victoria, I need to talk to you.
Victoria: What, now?
Melanie: Yes, please.
Victoria: Oh, all right. I–I’ll be right back.
Captain: So, it is just us.
Joy: Oui.
Captain: Sorry. Just–just we.
Joy: Captain, if I told you something personal, in strictest confidence–
Captain: It would be protected by captain-passenger privilege.
Joy: I’ve heard of it. The thing is I’m not gay.
Captain: I sensed that.
Joy: I’m trying to make you sense that.
Captain: You’ve done it successfully.
Joy: There’s something else I’d like to do successfully. But not now. Oh. Come back later, when Victoria is getting a massage.

Victoria: So neither of you knew the other one was gay?
Melanie: I’m not gay. But I don’t want to blow this chance to connect with her, and I’m afraid if she finds out it’s a lie, she’ll hate me.
Victoria: Well, for now, build trust with your sister, get her to like you, and then tell her it was all a lie.
Melanie: What should I say? I mean, what if she asks if I have a girlfriend?
Victoria: Well, tell her you do.
Melanie: Well, who would I get to pretend to be my girlfriend?
Elka: You’re not really my type.
Captain: Victoria, I just want to say good-bye. I will see you tonight at dinner.
Victoria: I’ll see you out. Uh, Joy? Melanie needs some gay advice.
Joy: Well, why can’t you help her?
Victoria: Well, you’re a little gayer than I am. She really, really needs you.
Joy: I’ll see you later, Captain. [Giggles]

Captain: So, it is just we. I sense something about you. You’re not gay.
Victoria: How dare you! Oh.
Captain: Don’t worry, little bird. Your secret is safe. Protected by captain-passenger privilege.
Victoria: I’ve heard of it.
Captain: Perhaps you swing both ways.
Victoria: Hmm, perhaps I swing one way and then toward you.
Captain: Perhaps, you would like to swing by my cabin later.
Victoria: Perhaps I’d like that very much.
Captain: Shall we say 1700 hours?
Victoria: 1700 hours [Whimpering] When is that?

Nan: Can’t believe the two of you grew up in the same house, and you didn’t know the other one was gay.
Melanie: I had no clue.
Caroline: I had a few.
Melanie: You did?
Caroline: Oh, your dates–they were always so uncomfortable around you.
Melanie: No, they weren’t. I was really good at passing for straight.
Caroline: And didn’t you play trumpet in marching band?
Melanie: Doesn’t mean anything.
Nan: Yeah, right.
Caroline: I can’t wait to meet your girlfriend.
Elka: [Laughs] Hi, lover.
Melanie: Hi Lover. Elka, this is my sister, Caroline, and her girlfriend, Nan. And this is my Elka.
Caroline: Wow. I have so many questions.
Elka: I’m rich.
Caroline: No more questions.
Elka: Plus, the sex is amazing.
[Woman over P. A.] Attention. In ten minutes, we’ll be closing the shrimp bar.
Elka: Oh, damn, baby. I gotta hit that.
Melanie: [Chuckles] Yeah, well, okay, you know, she’s older, but it’s kind of like a May-December sort of thing.
Nan: More like, May-May the following year.
Caroline: But they’re happy, and that’s what matters.
Nan: Or maybe what matters is that our glasses are empty.
Caroline: Okay, I’ll get us another round. Hey, I say we get a little plastered, and drunk dial mom and dad and tell them both their daughters are gay. Think about it.
Melanie: [Forced laugh]
Nan: So are you really happy with Elka?
Melanie: Oh, yeah, for sure.
Nan: ‘Cause after all those years of settling for a man, you shouldn’t have to settle again.
Melanie: Well, you know, I wouldn’t call it “settling.”
Nan: So pretty. If you were my woman, I’d never leave you for a shrimp bar.
Melanie: Okay.

Joy: Ahoy, Captain.
Melanie: Oh, thank God you’re here. Caroline’s girlfriend just hit on me. Hit on me– I need a plan.
Joy: Just tell your sister the truth. She’ll understand. Now off you go.
Melanie: I know, but what if she hates me for pretending to be gay? I don’t want it to separate us again.
Joy: That’s why you have to tell her now before it gets out of hand. Good? Good.
Melanie: Okay, thanks, Joy. You’re a really good friend.
Joy: Yeah, yeah.

[Knocking at door]
Joy: Ahoy, Captain. Oh, your beard is so rough.
Captain: Should I shave?
Joy: No. I like it rough.
Victoria: Joy, are you in there? I forgot my key.
Joy: Damn! In there, quick. Here you are. Now off you go before you miss your massage.
Victoria: Yeah, I think I did miss it. I just can’t figure out this whole nautical time thing. And then Elka ran into me and spilled chocolate ranch dressing all over my blouse. So now I have to rinse it out.
Joy: No! Everything rinsing properly?
Victoria: Yeah, I’ll be out in a second. [Gasps] What are you doing here? Are–
Captain: I couldn’t wait to see you so I snuck in. When I heard your wife coming, I hid.
Victoria: So you broke into my cabin, and now you’re hiding in my shower? In a less sexy man, that would be creepy.
Captain: You have to get rid of your wife. I’ll meet you later.
Victoria: Fine. What time?
Captain: Six bells on the dog watch?
Victoria: When?
Captain: 1900 hours?
Victoria: What?
Captain: Just find me later. I’ll make time.
Victoria: [Moaning] [Sighs] There. That felt good. You know, to get the stain out.
Joy: Now to your massage?
Victoria: Oh, I have an idea. Um, why don’t you take mine?
Joy: Oh, I’m good. Maybe you could do another activity? Pottery might take a long time.
Victoria: Or, or you could do an activity.
Joy: Or we could do one together. Oh, great. Let’s both go do some gay activity together. [Chuckles] Oh, uh, hold the elevator. I just want to get my earrings. Did she see you?
Captain: Of course not.
Joy: [Sighs in relief] Let’s meet again, later.
Captain: Eight bells on the dog watch?
Joy: Is that at the front of the boat?
Captain: Just find me.
Melanie: Oh, Captain Lebeau. What are you doing here?
Captain: Oh, executive captain turn-down service.
Melanie: I’ve heard of it. Do you think, maybe, you could do something like that for me?
Captain: Um, I’m so sorry. I really have to draw the line somewhere.
Caroline: You’re straight.
Melanie: I can explain.
Caroline: What’s to explain? You’re not gay. I can’t believe you would lie to me like that.
Melanie: No, no. Don’t go. I–I had to lie to get on this cruise, but then, when I saw how happy you were, I kept it up, because, well, you were so happy.
Caroline: Because I thought we finally had something in common.
Melanie: We do! We grew up in the same house. We had the same crazy parents. I always wanted to be closer to you, but you’d never let me in. Why didn’t you tell me you were gay?
Caroline: Oh, you wouldn’t understand.
Melanie: Try me.
Caroline: [Sighs] When you’re a kid, and you realize you’re gay, you automatically have a secret, and that makes you feel different from everyone else. And it’s even harder when your sister is “little miss angel.”
Melanie: I did not ask mom to make me that mug.
Caroline: My mug said, “would it kill you to wear a dress?”
Melanie: I’m sorry. It must have been really hard.
Caroline: Yeah, it was. And it would have been really nice to be able to talk to you about it.
Melanie: And you could have.
Caroline: But I didn’t know that. And maybe I was scared.
Melanie: Scared of what?
Caroline: Scared you’d think I was weird. Scared that you’d tell mom and dad. You know they would freak. So I just put up this wall, and then I got used to living behind the wall.
Melanie: Well, for the record, I wouldn’t have thought you were weird. And I never would have told mom and dad. Well, unless mom gave me that look, and I would have spilled everything.
Caroline: You are a spiller. And then I wouldn’t have been able to have sleepovers with my girlfriends.
Melanie: Julie Barnett?
Caroline: Oh, yeah.
Melanie: You scored a cheerleader! [Laughs] Wow. I always wanted this.
Caroline: Me too. So what do you say? New beginnings?
Melanie: Sure.
Caroline: So what do you think of Nan?
Melanie: Oh, yeah. She’s good, she’s great. Super fun.
Caroline: ‘Cause I’m thinking of breaking up with her.
Melanie: Dump her. Dump her now.

Melanie: So how did Nan take it?
Caroline: Well, she’s mad at me, but it’s really weird. She kept saying how she hoped the two of you could still be friends.
[Woman over P.A.]: Ladies and ladies, take your seats. Victoria Chase’s talk, “A journey to Joy: My sexual awakening at the hands of a middle-aged lesbian.”
Joy: Doucette Freres, Doucette Freres, Doucette Freres.
Melanie: Joy, what’s wrong with your face? It’s all red.
Joy: No, it isn’t! Is it?
Caroline: It looks scoured.
Melanie: Is that beard burn?
Elka: Joy, got a little captain in you?
Melanie: What? He turned me down!
Joy: Is it really that bad? I tried to cover it up. I better go and put on some more makeup.

Joy: Victoria, we’re supposed to be out there.
Victoria: Oh, I was just applying a little more makeup. Why are you covering your chin?
Joy: I’m Thinking deep thoughts. Why are you covering your chin?
Victoria: I was thinking, “why is she thinking deep thoughts?”
Joy: You’ve been with the captain.
Victoria: You’ve been with the captain.
Joy: I couldn’t take it anymore. What’s your excuse?
Victoria: Oh, he tricked me with his good looks.
Joy: I can’t believe he played us both.
Victoria: Oh, I can’t believe it, either. You know, if I were you, I would just avoid him for the rest of the trip.
Joy: You just want him for yourself!
Victoria: Yeah, well, I need him more than you do. [On speaker] The strain of pretending to be a celebrity lesbian is exhausting.
Elka: [Chuckles]
Melanie: My phone, my phone!
Victoria: Especially being the femme one.
Joy: But I’m the femme one.
Victoria: Oh, please. With those hands?
Joy: These hands were the ones that opened you up sexually, according to that bogus talk you’re about to give.
[Cell phone vibrating]
Victoria: “Your mic is on. The L-Words can hear everything.” Oh, baby girl. Why don’t you come on over here, and let mama give you some sugar, huh?
Caroline: Do you know any lesbians?

Victoria: All right, all right. Fine, fine. It’s over. I am not gay. I was just trying to jump-start my career. And while all of your cameras are rolling, I-I would like to apologize to everyone here. And to those who have been deceived, in this whole misguided fake gay marriage escapade, and especially to my dear friend and soon to be ex-wife, Joy. You know, of all my ex-spouses, you truly are the most supportive and understanding.
Joy: I’m still keeping the Doucette Freres.
Victoria: Over my dead body!
Joy: I’ll see you in court!
Victoria: You know, this marriage was never consummated, so you are gonna get nothing and like it.
[Faint arguing]
Melanie: You know, there’s a maritime superstition that it’s bad luck for a captain to romance just two women on a ship. It’s called the rule of three.
Captain: And I have hear of it.

Categories: Hot In Cleveland Forever

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