Hot in Cleveland S04, Ep13 – It’s Alive!

Season: 4
Episode: 13
Title: It’s Alive!
Original Air Date: June 19, 2013

Guest Stars:
Georgia Engel: Mamie
William Shatner: Sally
Danny Pudi: Tommy
Brian Baumgartner: Claude
Shirley Jones: Sophie

Synopsis: This is was a live episode. The truth comes out that Elka and Mamie are selling pills to seniors at cost. The storm cellar is loaded from floor to ceiling. The ladies are shocked. Tommy, the person who use to have the pill black market to himself, is not happy. He threatens Elka and Mamie. Joy calls Bob for help. Since he is out of town he sends his brother Claude. They convince him to pretend to be a mobster to scare Tommy off. Joy gives him alcohol to calm him. Victoria did not know that and gave him pills. So now they are down a goon. Victoria steps in to fill the role. But Melanie comes in the front door claiming to be Sally as well. The real Sally does show up. He threatens everyone, but gets rid of Tommy. Sophie comes back looking for her glasses and she turns out to be Sally’s Mom. Elka gets Sally to buy the pills at a good price and give them to the seniors.

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Favorite Quotes:

* Victoria: I am in shock. How could you have all these pills and not have shared?

* Victoria: Wait, you mean these are all just old people meds? You don’t have any Botox or wrinkle creams?
Elka: Those are old people meds too, dear.

* Tommy: There’s a lot of old, dried things in here that could go up fast.
Elka: Are you just going to take that, Joy?

* Joy: You gave our goon pills? What were you thinking? I gave him alcohol.
Victoria: Well, how was I supposed to know the goon was loaded?
Elka: What have I told you about keeping a loaded goon in the house?


Melanie: You won’t believe what’s been heating up on “Hot in Cleveland”
Alec: Wow.
Melanie: I’m moving in with my boyfriend Alec. Victoria’s in love with a famous movie star. Joy got an internship with Bob, a private detective. And all season long, Elka’s been hiding a big secret.
Joy: Oh my God. So that’s what you’ve been selling.
Elka: Ok. You got me. Now what are you gonna do?

Elka: Tonight, “Hot in Cleveland” is performed live in front of a studio audience, so I better watch my [Bleep] language.

Melanie: We are just stunned, Elka.
Victoria: I am in shock. How could you have all these pills and not have shared?
Joy: She’s not taking them. She’s selling them to seniors at a discount.
Elka: My prices are insane.
Joy: Also illegal. She and Mamie Sue have been smuggling meds in from Canada for their friends who can’t afford them.
Victoria: Wait, you mean these are all just old people meds? You don’t have any Botox or wrinkle creams?
Elka: Those are old people meds too, dear.
Melanie: Elka, I know you want to help your friends, but this is dangerous. You could go to jail.
Joy: Who cares about that? We could all go to jail. We are accessories.
Victoria: If only my Oscar-winning boyfriend Sir Emmett Lawson were here.
Elka: What would he do?
Joy: Nothing. She just likes saying it.
Victoria: I do. I really do.
Joy: Just sell everything you’ve got now, and then you’re done.
Elka: Everything? That might take a while.
Victoria: But just, how much medicine are you two sitting on?
Elka: We’re not sure. Mamie Sue is in the storm cellar taking inventory.
Joy: Inventory?
Mamie: Good news Mrs. Gould, I can bring your heart pills when we go swimming tomorrow. Is there anything else you need? Now, come on Mrs. Gould. No judgment here. Nothing I haven’t heard. I haven’t heard that. Oh, I just remembered. I can’t swim you with anymore. But I will look for an ointment.
Victoria: Oh, my God.
Joy: Unbelievable.
Melanie: Mamie Sue, what is going on here?
Mamie: This isn’t what it looks like, unless it looks like an illegal pharmacy in your storm cellar. In which case, it’s exactly what it looks like.

Melanie: I can’t believe this is going on. I mean, I’m supposed to move in with Alec today. Oh no, what if this is a sign that I shouldn’t move in. Maybe it’s too soon. I’m still doing that dating trick where you sneak out of bed and put makeup on before he wakes up so he thinks that’s what you actually look like in the morning. How long can I keep that up?
Joy: You’ll have plenty of time to think about that in jail. Where you might not be so interested in looking good for the person you wake up with. Elka get in here, now.
Elka: Mamie I’m shocked. What is all this?
Victoria: Wow. This is like the inside of my purse in the ’70s. Just where did you get all this stuff?
Mamie: Our Canadian supplier offered us her entire stock because she had to flee the country. It was either tax evasion or being impolite, one of those things they throw you out of Canada for.
Melanie: Well, this place makes me very nervous. I mean, what if the cops come and bust us?
Elka: We will hide this stuff in our cleavage. Oh, sorry, Joy.
Melanie: Oh my God. That’s the cops! That’s the cops knock and I cannot move in with Alec with a rap sheet.
Victoria: Oh, she is such a coward. As am I.
Tommy: Mamie? It’s me, Tommy. I’m here to pick up my grandfather’s pills.
Mamie: Relax, everyone. It’s that sweet boy who won the state spelling bee. Come in, Tommy.
Tommy: Morning, ladies. Wow. Look at all this. Very impressive.
Mamie: Thank you.
Tommy: Of course, an illegal setup like this could get you into a lot of trouble.
Joy: Listen to this man. He knows what he’s talking about.
Tommy: Indeed I do. Let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time, I controlled the black market pill business in Cleveland. But then it suddenly dried up. Someone started selling at cost.
Mamie: That might be us.
Tommy: When I lose business, I get angry. When I get angry I burn things. When I burn things, I get happy. I got a proposition for you. How about I take all this stuff off your hands?
Elka: What if we say no?
Tommy: Well, that would initiate the whole angry-burning-happy cycle.
Mamie: Tommy, you’re threatening us with arson, but you’re a spelling bee champion.
Tommy: And I’ve been chasing that rush ever since.
Elka: This is unconscionable.
Tommy: Unconscionable? That’s the word that knocked me out of Nationals.
Elka: Is it?
Tommy: I was humiliated in front of dozens of people watching at ESPN 3. Look. I’ll be back tonight with my associates to get all this stuff, and if you don’t like it, let me remind you. There’s a lot of old, dried things in here that could go up fast.
Elka: Are you just going to take that, Joy?
Victoria: What are we gonna do?
Melanie: God, I say we just give Tommy the stuff. It’s better to be robbed than to have our house go up in flames.
Elka: We can’t.
Mamie: She’s right. He’s gonna jack up the prices for our friends, and we invested all our savings in this place.
Elka: I don’t want to just go (stammers)
Joy: Well ok. Let’s not panic yet. Let me remind you, I am a criminology major at Cleveland State.
Victoria: Can we panic now?

Sophie: Thank you, ladies.
Mamie: There you go, Sophie, your last bargain for prescriptions before Tommy hikes up the prices.
Sophie: Oh, I better run. I’m going swimming with Mrs. Gould.
Mamie: You might want to take these, and these.
Victoria: Did you get in touch with Bob yet?
Mamie: Who is Bob?
Joy: The detective I work for. He’s out of town, so he’s sending over his brother, Claude, who is also a detective. I’ve met him. He may not look that smart or be that smart, and he may smell like wet potatoes, but if my criminology instinct’s right, he’s standing right behind me.
Claude: Hi, Joy. You get more beautiful every time I see you.
Joy: Yeah, but you’ve only seen me the one time.
Claude: That you know of. But I should not be flirting. You’re Bob’s girl.
Joy: I’m not Bob’s girl.
Claude: That’s not what he says in his sleep.
Melanie: You share a room with your brother?
Claude: Twin beds, nothing weird.
Mamie: I don’t know about you guys, but it looks to me like we’re in good hands, huh?
Claude: So, I’ve done some research– I’ve done some research on this Tommy, and he is a bad guy. So I think what we need to find is a bigger bad guy to scare him off.
Joy: I guess that could work. Do you know one? Who’s the most frightening person you can think of?
Claude: No contest, Salvatore Ferullo, aka Sally from Cincinnati. He’s Ohio’s biggest crime boss. Yet no one has ever seen his face.
Victoria: Well, if no one knows what this Sally looks like, then how about we just get someone to pretend that he’s Sally.
Melanie: Yeah, but how do we explain how we know him?
Victoria: Simple. We’ll take the plot from my Lifetime Original Movie, I’m In Love With My Brother’s Killer. The tag line was, keep your friends close and your enemies in bed. It was my first side nude scene.
Claude: I knew I recognized you from somewhere.
Elka: How about we just say Sally’s my son?
Joy: Good idea. But we still need to find some big goon to play Sally.
Claude: What? Is there a big goon standing behind me?

Joy: Nervous?
Claude: No. Unless you find nervousness sexy. Some women do, or at least they claim they do, and then they never call you back.
Victoria: I didn’t know what Sally would wear, so I brought you some choices.
Claude: A fedora? I’m too nervous to rock a fedora.
Joy: Ok, ok, no hats. We don’t want to hide your sexy side hair. You’re going to be great! I’ll go get some more tea.
Claude: So, you’re an actress. How do you keep from throwing up?
Victoria: Why would I keep from throwing up? Oh, oh. You’re nervous. Well, uh, I think that we might be able to find something in this room that will relax you.
Claude: Are you coming on to me?

Joy: Claude’s a mess, but I took care of it, the old alcohol in the teacup trick.
Elka: Heard of it.
Victoria: Claude’s a mess, but I took care of it. I just gave him some pills.
Joy: You gave our goon pills? What were you thinking? I gave him alcohol.
Victoria: Well, how was I supposed to know the goon was loaded?
Elka: What have I told you about keeping a loaded goon in the house?
(doorbell rings)
Melanie: That’s Tommy. He’s here.
Victoria: Ok, I’ll go and sober up Claude.
Mamie: I’ll get the door.
Elka: And I’ll chug some more tea.
Mamie: Hello, Tommy. You’re either very brave or very stupid. Sally from Cincinnati is going to be here here any minute.
Tommy: Yeah, I didn’t buy that on the phone, and I’m not buying it now. If Sally were really your kid, why didn’t you tell me in the storm cellar?
Elka: Maybe I’m not the bragging type.
Tommy: What if I said I didn’t believe you?
Elka: What if I said unconscionable?

Victoria: Claude? Claude, where oh! Oh, my God. Claude? Claude, are you dead?
Claude: Are you coming on to me again?

Tommy: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Joy: Go see what’s taking Victoria and Claude so long.
Tommy: Look, I got two ‘roidded up former mathletes over to clear out your pharmacy. They will be here any minute, unlike your mythical Sally.
Joy: Uh wait. My phone’s vibrating. Hello. It’s your son Sally from Cincinnati. You say you’ll be here in just ten minutes? Well, hurry, all right?
Victoria: Hello, mother. It’s your son Sally from Cincinnati.
Joy: Thanks for hurrying.
Tommy: You expect me to believe this skinny bitch is Sally from Cincinnati?
Victoria: First, thanks for the skinny. But trust me, I just let people think I’m a man ’cause that way they don’t see me coming but I see them going. Now, you have three seconds to get your ass out of here. One, two –
Melanie: Hey, ma, sorry I’m late.
Joy: No!
Tommy: Who the hell are you?
Melanie: Sally from Cincinnati.
Joy: No, go away.
Melanie: Scared of me? Huh? Well, you ought to be. You’re surprised I’m a woman, right?
Elka: (stammers)
Mamie: We covered that.
Victoria: As I just made clear, I am Sally from Cincinnati.
Claude: Out of my way. I’m Sally, from Cincinnati.
Tommy: Oh, my God.
Claude: So you had better be gone. By the time I wake up.
Tommy: So, how many more buffoons are gonna come in here saying they’re Sally from Cincinnati?
Sally: Someone say my name?
Tommy: Look look, look, look I don’t know who you are, pal.
Sally: I told you I was, but you wouldn’t listen. Once knew a man named Phil, he also refused to listen. I carry a small souvenir of that encounter.
Victoria: Is that a human ear?
Sally: Phil has only one now, but strangely, his hearing has improved. Do we agree on who I am, or do I need to show you another memento? I must warn you, that this one comes from a man who slept with my sister.
Tommy: Unlucky bastard.
Elka: Judging from the size of the box, he wasn’t that lucky.
Sally: I’m a very private man, so it takes a lot for me to reveal myself, and when I hear that some pill-pushing dame is claiming to be my mother, I get angry, and when I get angry, I burn things.
Tommy: I do that. Oh, I’m a big fan of your work. I meant no disrespect.
Sally: Wonderful. Let’s be Facebook friends?
Tommy: Really?
Sally: No. I’m a mobster. Don’t be ridiculous. You can follow me on Twitter.
Tommy: Oh cool.
Sally: Hashtag battery acid. Hashtag woodchipper, hashtag go bangles. Now, get out of here.
Tommy: Yes, sir. Oh and if my associates, Ira Goldfarb and Sam Quan show up with a U-Haul, just tell them that Gandolf is not in the tower. They’ll know what that means.
Sally: All right. You three don’t look like you come from Cleveland.
Victoria: Actually, we are from Los Angeles.
Melanie: Right, and we moved here because we were feeling invisible.
Joy: Yeah men, men had stopped looking at us.
Sally: Oh, the men in L. A. don’t look at women in their 30s?
Victoria: Oh, that’s nice!
Melanie: That is so very sweet.
Joy: See, that’s why we moved here.
Melanie: He actually thinks we are in our 30s?
Victoria: Oh, it is a good reminder.
Joy: Yeah. It puts everything in perspective.
Elka: Kill them, first.
Sally: You want mercy, tough. Sally from Cincinnati shows mercy to no one.
Sophie: Elka, did I leave my glasses here? Salvatore.
Sally: Mama?
Sophie: What are you doing here?
Sally: Nothing.
Melanie: Nothing? No. You know what? He scaring us.
Sophie: My sweet Salvatore?
Joy: Your sweet Salvatore is the biggest mobster in Ohio. You didn’t know that?
Sally: No, she didn’t. Thank you very much.
Sophie: You’re a criminal, Sally? You said you work for NPR.
Sally: Well, I do, ma. It’s just that you don’t think that public radio could pay for those experimental skin treatments, do you? Look at her! 108 years old! Look at this woman.
Melanie: You are absolutely stunning.
Sophie: Oh my God, Salvatore, did you kill this man?
Sally: No, ma, I didn’t kill him. I never saw him before this.
Sophie: Right, like you never saw those magazines in the tool shed.
Sally: Whoa.
Sophie: I’m so ashamed that my son came here to hurt you.
Sally: I didn’t hurt anyone. Back me up, here.
Elka: He’s here to help us.
Sally: I like that.
Mamie: By buying our medicine at a good price, so he can give it away to all the poor seniors in Cleveland.
Sally: All right, you got a deal.
Sophie: Let’s go and leave these nice people alone.
Sally: Yeah. Can we stop for ice cream?
Sophie: We’ll see.
Sally: That means no.
Joy: Oh my God. Well that was a series of fortunate coincidences that finished oh look at that right on time, give or take.
Victoria: I don’t know about you, but my hands are empty. I feel like I need a martini.
Melanie: Oh boy, you know, sometimes I was a little nervous tonight. I almost forgot what I had to say.
Mamie: I think you did great, and I think you can take a bow.
Elka: I think we could all take a bow.
Sally: Someone said take a bow?

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