Season: 3
Episode: 15
Title: Rubber Ball
Original Air Date: March 21, 2012
Guest Stars:
Edward Asner: Jameson
Jon Lovitz: Artie
James Patrick Steward: Colin
Alex Borstein: Preshi
Maree Cheatham: Mrs. Filsinger
D.C. Douglas: Peter Filsinger
Synopsis: The ladies want to join a country club. They are informed by the president that they need to be bounced, find a member to sponsor them. They discover from a photo that Elka use to work there. She admits she did but she hates the place. Her boss fired her because she would not sleep with him. Her boss was Jameson Lyons, the same man that the ladies met with. The ladies bought tickets to the Rubber Ball, $5,000 each. At the ball the ladies are shocked to find Elka in attendance. She wants revenge on Jameson. Joy runs into Colin who is engaged to Preshi. Opera Guy aka Artie is there as well and turns into Joy’s date. He confesses he’s in love with Preshi but doesn’t know how to dance. Joy offers to teach him. They Tango and Artie gets Preshi’s attention. Victoria flirts with a man who owns a castle. However, when she meets his mom she drops one of her earrings in her bosom. For the toast, the lights are dropped. Colin and Joy making out just outside is quite obvious. Preshi ends their engagement and Artie chases after her to console her. While the lights are out Victoria sticks her hand in Mrs. Filsinger’s bosom to retrieve her rented earring. She gets called a lesbian. And Elka reveals herself to Jameson with Melanie’s help. Only she has no drink to throw in his face. Colin and Joy go back to being on again and Melanie and Victoria dance.
Click on either link to grab the third season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.
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Favorite Quotes:
* Melanie: Oh, I bounce. It’s just the way I’m built. I hope that won’t be a problem.
Jameson: Young lady, this is not an application to wait tables at Hooters.
* Joy: Oh, poor Cinder-Elka. You can’t go to the ball.
Elka: I don’t want to go to the ball.
Joy: I know. I just wanted to say that.
Elka: You know that makes you the ugly stepsister.
* Victoria: Oh, speak for yourself. I didn’t rent $200,000 earrings to come home empty-handed.
Joy: Oh, are those earrings? I thought you were dressed as a chandelier.
* Elka: I’m Sabrina.
Jameson: Oh, like the movie?
Elka: No, like the teenage witch.
Jameson: Oh, well, you’re certainly casting a spell on me.
* Joy: What am I missing?
Artie: Boobs.
Joy: Not what I meant.
* Melanie: Is that where you’re gonna throw your drink in his face?
Victoria: Oh, Melanie, you know nothing about revenge. Without an audience, it’s just a waste of a perfectly good drink.
* Victoria: Well, it’s definitely in the cushions. It’s just that my earring seems to have fallen into your chestal region.
Mrs. Filsinger: Young lady, are you suggesting I don’t know the ins and outs of my own bosom?
* Elka: I think I might want you to bounce me.
Jameson: You want to join the club?
Elka: Well, that too.
* Joy: But first, you have to call and make a proper date. Earn back my trust.
Colin: Really?
Joy: Of course not. Let’s go find an empty squash court.
* Victoria: We spent $15,000 to come to this ball. Now, we are dancing. Okay, now dip me. I am not a lesbian.
Transcript:
Joy: This place is amazing.
Victoria: Oh, it certainly is. Whoever came up with the idea of joining a country club is a genius.
Melanie: It was your idea.
Victoria: Oh, compliment accepted. Ah, this place smells like money. Old money. The kind of money money can’t buy.
Melanie: Look at this membership list. They’re all Rubber Barons. Firestone, Goodrich, Goodyear.
Joy: Forget Porsches. We could be dating men who own their own blimps.
Melanie: Ooh, look at this name– Preston Vanderbosh III. You know, if we get into this club, I’m gonna marry him and people will say, “Melanie Vanderbosh, you have everything you want, but are you really happy?” And I’ll say, “not always,” in a way that means yes.
Victoria: What do you mean if we get in? I’m a celebrity, and everyone loves celebrities. We are an aristocracy consisting of the talented and people who give birth to quintuplets or higher.
Joy: And I have my English accent. It’s the preferred accent of snobby people the world over.
Melanie: Yeah, all I have is ABC. Always Be Cleavaging.
Jameson: Hello, ladies.
Joy: Hello.
Victoria: Hello.
Melanie: Hello
Jameson: Sorry to keep you waiting, but someone was wearing grass court sneakers on the clay court!
Melanie: Oh, it’s disgusting.
Joy: The nerve of some people.
Jameson: I’m Jameson Lyons. Please have a seat.
Victoria: Here are our applications.
Jameson: Oh, yes. Victoria Chase. “Special skills– Once flew in a jet piloted by John Travolta.”
Victoria: I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have dropped a celebrity name. It’s uncouth. The Dalai Lama taught me that in the back of John Travolta’s plane.
Jameson: That’s fascinating, but who’s bouncing you?
Valerie: Oh, I bounce. It’s just the way I’m built. I hope that won’t be a problem.
Jameson: Young lady, this is not an application to wait tables at Hooters.
Melanie: “Young” lady.
Jameson: To join the club, you have to be bounced or sponsored by a current member. Do you know any current members?
Joy: I know you. Charming you.
Jameson: [Laughs] Yes. Yeah, well, anyway, the Rubber Ball is coming up. It’s a charity event, open to the public. Perhaps you could meet some members there.
Victoria: That sounds ideal. Count us in.
Jameson: Tickets are $5,000.
Melanie: [Laughs] Maybe we could pay with a rubber check.
Jameson: [Laughter] [Clears throat] I’ve been here for 70 years, and if you think there’s a rubber joke I haven’t heard, you’re sadly mistaken. Now, if you’ll excuse me.
Joy: Cheerio! The only way we’re getting into this place is if we got into that party.
Melanie: Yeah, but $5,000 a ticket?
Victoria: Oh, it’s outrageous. You could buy three pairs of shoes for that.
Joy: But we have to go. I mean, look at these people. They’ve been throwing lavish parties since before we were born.
Melanie: Oh, I bet Preston Vanderbosh the 1st. is in there somewhere.
Joy: Wait a minute. Is it me, or does that waitress look like a young Elka?
Elka: Yeah, I worked there when I was in my twenties. I hate that place, and I was fired when my boss hit on me and I turned him down.
Joy: Now, now. You can’t judge the entire club by one guy who worked there back in the 1800s.
Victoria: Yeah, everyone we dealt with was very nice.
Melanie: Jameson Lyons called me a “young lady.”
Elka: Jameson Lyons? That’s the man who fired me!
Victoria: I’m sorry, Elka, but we already bought tickets to the ball.
Elka: Fine, go. See if I care.
Joy: Oh, poor Cinder-Elka. You can’t go to the ball.
Elka: I don’t want to go to the ball.
Joy: I know. I just wanted to say that.
Elka: You know that makes you the ugly stepsister.
Melanie: Oh, I wonder if Preston Vanderbosh III is here? I know, I’m gonna find his place-card and put it next to mine.
Joy: Remember, the idea isn’t to meet men. It’s to get bounced, so we can come back and meet men whenever we please.
Victoria: Oh, speak for yourself. I didn’t rent $200,000 earrings to come home empty-handed.
Joy: Oh, are those earrings? I thought you were dressed as a chandelier.
Victoria: You know, these send the message that I don’t need their money because I have my own, and that way, they’ll lavish me with gifts that I “don’t need.”
Peter: Barnaby Goodrich, is that you?
Victoria: Goodrich? That sounds promising. Both good and rich.
Melanie: Okay, where do we start?
Joy: Well, first, I’ve dropped my usual London common accent and adopted the more posh Sloane Ranger accent.
Melanie: What’s the difference?
Joy: A tighter butt clench. Now, who might bounce me? Ah, dignified older women are suckers for a British accent. Time to work my charm. Excuse me. Elka! What are you doing here?
Elka: I’m here to humiliate Jameson for what he did to me.
Joy: What are you gonna do, throw a drink in his face?
Elka: No, I’m gonna make him fall in love with me, reveal my true identity, and then throw a drink in his face.
Joy: How do you know he’s gonna fall in love with you?
Elka: Well, he was attracted to me and I’ve only gotten prettier.
Joy: Okay. Well, whatever happens, keep in mind, I don’t know you.
Elka: Oh, this night keeps getting better and better.
Jameson: Excuse me. I noticed your blue eyes from clear across the room.
Elka: Well, my blue eyes like what they see too.
Jameson: I can’t help feeling I’ve met you somewhere before.
Elka: Did you?
Jameson: Ah, you’re the mysterious type, huh?
Elka: Or am I?
Jameson: Jameson Lyons.
Elka: I’m Sabrina.
Jameson: Oh, like the movie?
Elka: No, like the teenage witch.
Jameson: Oh, well, you’re certainly casting a spell on me.
Colin: Joy?
Joy: Colin? I didn’t expect to see you here.
Colin: Dare I say, Scroggs, you look stunning.
Joy: You can say it, but I’ll ignore it.
Colin: You know, I’ve actually been thinking about you quite a bit lately.
Joy: Really? And yet I haven’t heard from you in weeks. No calls, no texts. Well, there is an explanation.
Preshi: Hi, fiance. [Laughs] That is so much fun to say. Fiancé, fiancé, fiancé.
Colin: Joy, this is Preshi. She’s my–
Joy: Fiancée?
Preshi: Fun to say, right?
Joy: Well, it’s very nice meet you, and congratulations on your engagement.
Preshi: Thanks. You know what’s another fun word to say? Ointment. Say it.
Colin: Ointment.
Preshi: Ah! [Laughs] Isn’t he pretty? And he loves me for me, not my trust funds. He told me so when he convinced me not to do a prenup. That’s love.
Colin: Darling, why don’t you go find our table? You’re so good at that.
Preshie: Say “good-bye” in a baby voice.
Colin: [High-pitched] Good-bye.
Preshi: [Laughs].
Joy: Well, she seems like a catch.
Colin: Look, in a perfect world, she wouldn’t be who I’d be with tonight, but we’re both British. You know how fast this thin, pasty skin ages. I won’t be a TV news idol forever, Joy. This is my retirement plan.
Joy: So you’re marrying for money. Very classy.
Colin: I can see you’re hurt.
Joy: I am not hurt! It just so happens, I’ve moved on as well.
Colin: Oh, is that so?
Joy: Yes. I’m sure he’s here somewhere.
Artie: Hello, Joy.
Joy: Opera guy?
Artie: Please. In public, call me Artie Firestone IV.
Colin: You’re dating Artie Firestone IV?
Artie: No, I am Artie Firestone IV, and she is dating me. Right, sweet cheeks? [Slaps] Mmm! Now do me.
Colin: Dating a Firestone. I’m impressed. And more than a little surprised.
Joy: The night is full of surprises.
Colin: Well, it’s good that we’ve both found people that make us so happy.
Joy: We’ve both moved on and are happy in our respective relationships.
Artie: You two have an odd way of speaking.
Victoria: Really? A place in Paris, you say? Well, this is destiny. J’adore Paris.
Peter: It’s just a pied-a-terre. I bought it from Richard Caswell when he purchased his estate on the Riviera.
Victoria: Estate, you say?
Peter: Lovely place. About half the size of my castle in Scotland.
Victoria: Castle, you say?
Preshi: Hello.
Melanie: Hi. Oh, I’m sorry. I’m saving this seat for Preston Vanderbosh.
Preshi: That’s me.
Melanie: You’re Preston Vanderbosh?
Preshi: Yeah, call me Preshi. Everyone does. I’m so excited you wanted to sit next to me. Everyone here is so stuffy. They’re always like, “why do you talk so much, Preshi?” And, “why are you sitting so close to me, Preshi?”
Melanie: Wh–why are you sitting so close to me?
Preshi: I like to see the hair on people’s skin when I talk to them, and yours just stood right up.
Joy: How are you a member? The last time I saw you, you were homeless, living in a dumpster.
Artie: Please! It was a packing crate.
Joy: Whatever. Are you really a Firestone? I have so many questions.
Artie: Perhaps I can best explain in a PowerPoint demonstration. [Clears throat] I was born into the Firestone family. As you can see, I grew up in a fabulous mansion. Next slide. [Clears throat] Next slide! As a youth, I had a rebellious stage, and I was cut off from the family money. But then, last year, at the age of forty-nine teen, I was once again given access to the money, which has given me access to mental health professionals and tuxedos. So now, instead of being broke and crazy, I’m rich and eccentric.
Joy: And crazy.
Artie: Yes! Now, how do you know Colin?
Joy: Oh, we have an on-again, off-again relationship.
Artie: Oh, that lucky bastard.
Joy: Actually, it’s off right now.
Artie: I know. I mean, he’s lucky because he’s with Preshi. [Sighs] I’ve been madly in love with her forever. Look at her. She’s so distinguished. So poised and graceful.
Joy: What am I missing?
Artie: Boobs.
Joy: Not what I meant.
Artie: Oh, if only I could sweep her off her feet and dance my way into her heart. But alas, I can neither dance nor sweep.
Joy: I will teach you to dance, if you bounce me into this club.
Artie: Consider yourself bounced.
Joy: Let’s find a room and practice.
Artie: After you, fake fiancée. Oh, that’s fun to say. Fiancée.
Melanie: So Jameson is falling for you already?
Elka: He asked me to go for a moonlight walk on the golf course. Spoiler alert– I’m irresistible in moonlight.
Melanie: Is that where you’re gonna throw your drink in his face?
Victoria: Oh, Melanie, you know nothing about revenge. Without an audience, it’s just a waste of a perfectly good drink.
Elka: I’ll find just the right moment. Later, ladies.
Victoria: So how’s it going with Preston?
Preshi: I found you.
Melanie: [Laughs] I thought I told you to count to a thousand. Victoria, this is Preston “Preshi” Vanderbosh. She’s gonna bounce me.
Victoria: Oh. I’m being bounced by Peter Filsinger. Nice meeting you. He owns a castle.
Peter: Oh, there she is. Victoria, come meet my family. Uncle Roger, Mother, may I present Victoria Chase.
Victoria: Hello, Roger. Mrs. Filsinger, it is so wonderful to meet you.
Mrs. Filsinger: What was that, dear?
Victoria: I said, it’s wonderful to meet you. Oh, uh, I seem to have dropped one of my earrings.
Mrs. Filsinger: Oh, did you check in the sitting room? I’ve lost jewelry in the cushions before.
Victoria: Well, it’s definitely in the cushions. It’s just that my earring seems to have fallen into your chestal region.
Mrs. Filsinger: Young lady, are you suggesting I don’t know the ins and outs of my own bosom?
Victoria: If you could just separate it for a quick peek.
Preshi: And everyone in my wedding is gonna be on horseback, including my horse.
Victoria: Disaster. I just lost a rented earring in a rich woman’s boobs.
Melanie: Not the weirdest thing I’ve heard tonight.
Victoria: What should I do?
Preshi: Just reach in and grab it.
Victoria: Please, you can’t just reach into a stranger’s–
Preshi: Sure, you can. Like this.
Jameson: I enjoyed our walk. Your skin was so dewy in the moonlight.
Elka: Some of that was spritz from the sprinklers, but thank you.
Jameson: There’s a playfulness in your eyes that I don’t find in the women around here. I can see that you’re not some happy homemaker.
Elka: You’re not what I expected, either.
Jameson: Huh?
Elka: You’re very charming. Oh. And quite the gentleman.
Jameson: I want to bounce you. I want to bounce you right now.
Elka: Excuse me?
Jameson: Don’t you want to get into the club?
Elka: Is that the only way I can get in?
Jameson: Well, that’s the way it works around here. But this’ll have to wait until I give my speech.
Elka: Oh, will everyone be watching, with drinks in their hands?
Jameson: I assume so. Where do I know you from?
Elka: It’ll come to you.
Joy: There’s Preshi and Colin. Are you ready to dance to impress?
Artie: To win Preshi, anything. [Tango music] It’s working! Now teach me how to sweep!
Melanie: He actually said that you had to sleep with him to get in the club?
Elka: Yes! And to think I was starting to fall for him. Give me a vodka stinger, plenty of sting.
[Jameson tapping glass]
Jameson: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s now time to celebrate the Firestone Club’s 150th Anniversary.
[Applause]
Melanie: You sure I can’t talk you out of this?
Elka: Don’t mess with my head. I’m in the zone.
Jameson: Now, let’s dim the lights!
[Onlookers gasping]
Preshi: She’s kissing my fiance!
[Onlookers murmuring]
Mrs. Filsinger: Aah! I’ve been groped by a lesbian!
Victoria: I–I’m not a lesbian. I’m just getting back my rented earring. Aha!
Peter: God’s sakes, Victoria! Rented?
Colin: Preshi, darling, I can explain.
Preshi: You are no longer my fiancé. And that is no longer fun to say.
Artie: Joy, our fake engagement is over! Preshi, wait!
Jameson: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s put this unpleasantness behind us! We’re Rubber people! We bounce back!
Melanie: What, my rubber joke wasn’t any good?
Elka: Not so fast.
Jameson: Sabrina.
Elka: My name is not Sabrina. It’s Elka Ostrovsky.
Jameson: I don’t understand.
Melanie: She worked here in the Summer of 1947. But you fired her because you hit on her and she turned you down.
Jameson: Oh! Elka!
Elka: That’s right. And I’ve come to throw a drink in your face.
Jameson: Huh?
Elka: What’d I do with my drink?
Jameson: I didn’t fire you because you wouldn’t go out with me. I fired you because you were, hands down, the worst waitress we’d ever seen. You broke plates, spilled soup, and had no idea where to put the fish fork.
Elka: I’ve got an idea now. Five minutes ago, this man said if I’d let him bounce me, he’d get me into this club.
Melanie: Oh, “bounce” means sponsor you so you can get in the club.
Jameson: You would have known that if you hadn’t skipped the employee orientation.
Elka: I was shooting craps with the caddies. Maybe I was a bad waitress.
Mrs. Filsinger: And you were very rude. You told my baby brother he had a hatchet face.
Elka: Well.
Artie: Miss Preshi Vanderbosh, I think your fiance is a coward and a cad, and you deserve better. If I were your man, I would never leave your side.
Preshi: Never?
Artie: Never! Except to use the bathroom. Or if I had to run out and buy barbecue sauce, and then, you wanted to stay home.
Preshi: Oh, Arthur, do you mean it?
Artie: Does balled-up newspaper make good insulation?
Preshi: Yes!
Artie: Yes!
Preshi: Oh!
Elka: Thank you for forgiving me.
Jameson: Oh, it’s okay. I still think you’re one of the most charming guests we’ve ever had.
Elka: I think I might want you to bounce me.
Jameson: You want to join the club?
Elka: Well, that too.
Joy: I’m sorry your sham engagement to Preshi didn’t work out.
Colin: I’m sorry your fake relationship with Artie Firestone didn’t work out.
Joy: Oh, it was pretty much doomed from the work “fake.”
Colin: Thank goodness we’ve got each other to fall back on.
Joy: Oh, no. I’m not falling back with you.
Colin: Of course you are, darling. That’s what we do.
Joy: That’s true. But first, you have to call and make a proper date. Earn back my trust.
Colin: Really?
Joy: Of course not. Let’s go find an empty squash court.
Melanie: Can we go home now?
Victoria: We spent $15,000 to come to this ball. Now, we are dancing. Okay, now dip me. I am not a lesbian.
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