Season: 1
Episode: 9
Title: Good Luck Faking the Goiter
Original Air Date: August 11, 2010
Guest Stars:
Joe Jonas: Will
Dave Foley: Dr. Moore
Carole Gutierrez: Dr. Hernandez
Michael R. Robinson: Waiter
Synopsis: Victoria is nominated for an Emmy. However, she does not think she’ll win it because another actress in the same category died. Elka starts a rumor on online that Victoria has contracted a disease to help her win the Emmy. However, she did not research the disease very well. When the doctors from the foundation come to see her and tell her about all the symptoms, Victoria comes clean. She agrees to attend a fundraiser for the disease in exchange for them not going public about her lie. Meanwhile, Melanie’s son Will comes to town to visit. Melanie can’t get him to talk her to so she takes his phone. She finds out that he’s engaged and freaks out. She accidentally breaks it off with her and then fixes is it. When will gets he phone back he tells her he has to break up with this psycho chick who thinks they are engaged. Melanie lets it slip. Will is very upset. Joy went back to L.A. to do Brad Pitt’s eyebrows. When she returned she was questioning life. She tried out several therapists at Melanie’s suggestion. She keeps asking everyone “How does that make you feel?” Which is just annoying everyone. When Will takes off she waits on the porch for him and talks with him when he comes back. She gets him talking to his Mom again. After the fundraiser the ladies all meet up at Stormi’s. Victoria forgets to take off the goiter and everyone is starting at her so she rips it off.
Click on either link to grab the first season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.
Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 1
iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 1 – Hot in Cleveland
Favorite Quotes:
* Victoria: Oh, it’s my 16th nomination. Uh, waiter? Uh, I realize it’s only 8 o’ clock in the morning but we’re celebrating, and I would like some champagne in my orange juice.
Waiter: You mean the usual?
* Elka: She can’t win. She’s up against a dead girl.
Joy: You didn’t have Susan Lucci killed, did you?
Victoria: No. That was just trash talk.
* Joy: I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.
Elka: Mid-life?
* Elka: I hope it’s your daughter who’s gonna decide which home to put you in.
* Melanie: Ooh, she texted back. “Why are you texting like an old lady?”
* Elka: I hate you, douche bag.
* Joy: Just text her everything we’ve always wanted to hear.
* Victoria: Disfiguring? Who said anything about disfiguring?
* Joy: Wow. This sucker’s got a lot of symptoms.
Victoria: No shissh, Sherlock.
Joy: Good luck faking the goiter.
Victoria: Goiter?
* Joy: Well, on the plus side he’s not getting married. And you raised a son with enough character to break up with the wrong girl even though she has a truly spectacular set of knockers.
* Elka: Oh, I bet it feels good to get rid of that thing, doesn’t it?
Victoria: Oh, it really does.
Elka: I was talking to the goiter.
Transcript:
Melanie: Did you know Cleveland was originally spelled c-l-e-a-v-e-l-a-n-d? For General Moses Cleaveland, see, their dropped the ‘a’!
Victoria: Shut up!
Elka: Thank you.
Victoria: The nominations for the daytime emmys were just announced.
Melanie: Oh.
Victoria: All right, who cares, who cares, ah– best actress. Susan Lucci
Elka: Well-deserved.
Victoria: Crystal Mcallister, nobody, nobody, and Victoria Chase!
Melanie: Yay! Good for you.
Victoria: Oh, it’s my 16th nomination. Uh, waiter? Uh, I realize it’s only 8 o’ clock in the morning but we’re celebrating, and I would like some champagne in my orange juice.
Waiter: You mean the usual?
Victoria: Yes. Although I’ve never won this thing. And this year, I definitely don’t have a chance. Crystal Mcallister from the strong and the gorgeous pulled a really underhanded stunt.
Melanie: What’d she do?
Victoria: She died. Aka award magnet. You know I can’t compete with death.
(text message sound)
Melanie: Oh, it’s my son. He’s driving back to college from L. A. And I begged him to stop here on the way. So he’s gonna be here this afternoon.
Victoria: Well, how’s he doing?
Melanie: You know, I don’t know. He rarely speaks to me. I get the occasional grunt on Mother’s Day.
Victoria: Oh, kids can be so ungrateful. I mean, you get them the best nannies money can buy and then they blackmail you with threats to write a mommie dearest. Oh, look who’s back from Hollywood.
Melanie: What was it like doing Brad Pitt’s eyebrows?
Elka: Does he smell like fresh cream on a fine spring morning? ‘Cause that’s how I imagine it.
Joy: Elka, celebrities are just like everyone else.
Victoria: You take that back.
Joy: Oh, I’m just starting to wonder if there isn’t more to life than removing celebrities’ unwanted hair. I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.
Elka: Mid-life?
Melanie: You know, if you really are having a crisis, maybe you should see a therapist.
Joy: The only therapy I need is liquid therapy. Hello.
Melanie: Victoria got another Emmy nomination.
Joy: Congratulations.
Elka: She can’t win. She’s up against a dead girl.
Joy: You didn’t have Susan Lucci killed, did you?
Victoria: No. That was just trash talk.
Victoria: The oddest thing just happened. My Agent says that there’s this huge internet rumor that I’m dying from some disease called well, I can’t even remember the name.
Elka: Flett-Giordano Syndrome. And you’re welcome.
Victoria: What? You started the rumor?
Elka: Well, now you can beat the dead girl at her own game.
Victoria: But– but you can’t just say that I have a disease. I’ve never even heard of it.
Elka: Well, no one has. That’s the beauty of it.
Victoria: Uh, Victoria Chase. Yes, I’ll hold for people magazine.
Melanie: Elka. I need a list of really fun things to do in Cleveland. Will’s coming, and we haven’t really spoken much since the divorce, and I really wanna reconnect with him. So if you were a 20-year-old boy, what would you wanna do with your mom?
Elka: Watch her buy me beer?
Melanie: Hey, Joy. Where you been?
Joy: Okay, don’t go all Melanie on me, but I decided to take your suggestion and I met with a couple of potential therapists.
Melanie: Wow. How did it go?
Joy: They’re all so nosy. Asking me questions about my childhood and feelings and sex and saying I need to come in four times a week. I mean, who can talk about themselves for that long?
Victoria: And then at age 12, I decided becoming an actress would be the best way to serve humanity. No, no, no, thank you. Oh, Elka. You are a genius. Elka came up with this internet rumor that I have this very, very promotable deadly disease.
Joy: Well, I’m sure nothing could go wrong with that.
Victoria: Oh. It’s a text from my Agent. Entertainment weekly and in style magazine both want me. Oh, and, and also, the Flett-Giordano Syndrome Foundation want to come and meet with me here. Oh, well, this will just legitimize the hell out of it.
Melanie: What kind of disease is it?
Victoria: I-I don’t know. Elka? You know, I’m, I’m happy to lie to win, but I-I don’t wanna lose my hair or anything.
Elka: The only symptom is fatigue.
Victoria: That’s perfect. I mean, I can play tired in my sleep. Ah, luckily, this disease hasn’t affected my wit.
(doorbell)
Melanie: Oh, that’s Will. My baby’s here. Hi, honey!
Will: Hi, just a sec.
Melanie: Okay. It’s good to see you. Good to see you, sweetie.
Will: Yeah.
Melanie: The facial hair makes you look a little Foreign, but cute. Come on in. You know joy and Victoria.
Both: Hey, Will.
Will: Hi.
Melanie: Ah, this is Elka Ostrovsky.
Elka: Nice to meet you, Will.
Will: Nice to meet you too.
Melanie: Well, your mom picks up and moves to Cleveland. You must have a million questions.
Will: No, I’m good.
Melanie: I fixed up the guest room for you, but I thought maybe we’d go out to lunch first.
Will: I kinda just wanna crash, if that’s cool.
Melanie: Sure. Sure. It’s cool. Very cool. Do you want me to show you where the room is?
Will: I’ll find it.
Melanie: Yeah. You can find it. You’re good like that. He can find it.
Elka: I hope it’s your daughter who’s gonna decide which home to put you in.
Melanie: Well, this is fun. The two of us. Getting a chance to talk and catch up and shoot the breeze. So how’s school?
Will: Good.
Melanie: Yeah? Well, you certainly have a lot to say to someone.
Will: What?
Melanie: Nothing. You know. I text. So I get it.
Will: Sorry, what did you say, mom?
Melanie: You know, LOL Omg. Om– you know what–g.
Will: You know it’s not cursing if you say a letter, mom.
Melanie: Oh, sure. Sure. “F.” “F!” You know, honey. We never got a chance to talk about the divorce. And we can do that, if you’d like.
Will: No, I get it. Stuff happens. I’m good.
Melanie: Okay. Did you know that Cleveland was originally spelled c-l-e-a-v-e-l-a-n-d?
Joy: The Cleveland spelling? You went to that?
Melanie: I was desperate.
Joy: And how does that make you feel, Melanie?
Melanie: What?
Joy: It’s an annoying question, isn’t it? But all the therapists ask it. I’ve been trying different ones every day. It’s a little bit like dating except you’re not trying to hide how crazy you are.
Victoria: Hello. All.
Melanie: Victoria, are you okay? You look exhausted.
Victoria: Oh, good. I was just making sure ’cause the foundation people will be here soon.
(text message sound)
Melanie: Oh, that’s will’s phone. Why is it he can talk to everybody else but not to me?
Victoria: You mustn’t blame yourself. Now I-I did absolutely everything I could for both my kids.
Joy: You’ve got three children.
Victoria: Ah.
Melanie: Oh, if this phone could only talk.
Joy: Well, it can if you want it to. Everything you want to know about will is right in there. His friends, his music, everything.
Melanie: No, no, I-I can’t invade his privacy that way.
Victoria: I can.
Melanie: No, put that down. Someone’s texting him.
Victoria: It’s from Stephanie. “Did you tell your mom yet? Did she freak?”
Melanie: Freak? About what? What does he need to tell me?
Victoria: Well, find out yourself. Pretend you’re Will and text her back.
Melanie: I shouldn’t do that. But as a mother, I need to know what’s going on with my son by any means possible, right?
Victoria: Indeed you do.
Joy: Absolutely.
Melanie: Okay. “How should I tell her?” Oh, I shouldn’t have done that. I just totally violated his privacy. I am done with this. Ooh, she texted back. “Why are you texting like an old lady?”
Joy: Ah, you shouldn’t have spelled everything correctly.
Melanie: Oh. “Just tell her we’re getting married”? Oh, my God. He’s only 20 years old. I’ve never even heard of this girl.
Joy: And how does that make you feel?
Melanie: Uh, “my mom got married young and still regrets it. ” That ought to do it. “Are you trying to tell me something?” What, is she stupid? “Just that we should slow down. ” “I h8 u, d’bag. ” What does that mean?
Joy: Well, 8 could be ate. Like, “I ate something.”
Victoria: Mm.
Melanie: And d’bag is like da bomb?
Elka: I hate you, douche bag.
Will: Hey, Elka. Thanks for letting me borrow this.
Elka: Oh. What did you think of my mall walk mix?
Will: Not bad. A little surprised by all the Justin Bieber.
Elka: Really? I love her.
Will: He’s a guy.
Elka: They keep saying that. But I’m not buying it.
Melanie: What am I gonna do? I-I broke them up. He’s gonna hate me. Oh, Will. Hi, honey.
Will: Is that my phone in your pocket?
Melanie: Or are you just happy to see me? Oh, God, that’s all kinds of wrong. Uh, no. Mine.
Will: Okay, I’m gonna go shower.
Melanie: Okay. Quick. How do I win her back?
Joy: Just text her everything we’ve always wanted to hear.
Victoria: Yeah, compliment her face without makeup, and tell her it’s the best sex you ever had.
Melanie: This is my son.
(doorbell rings)
Victoria: Oh, they’re here. All right, uh. Look, I’d love to stay and help you pretend to be your son, but I have to go pretend I’m dying. Hello. I’m Victoria Chase.
Dr. Moore: This is Dr. Lori Hernandez. I’m Dr. Robert Moore. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Victoria: Ah. Likewise.
Dr. Hernandez: I’m sorry for staring, but I’m just surprised at how well you look.
Victoria: Oh, thank you, but I’m tired. So very tired. Please sit. I know that I need to.
Dr. Moore: Hmm, that’s very odd.
Victoria: What?
Dr. Moore You’re not limping at all.
Victoria: Limping?
Dr. Hernandez: It’s the first symptom of Flett-Giordano.
Victoria: Would you just excuse me for just one moment?
Victoria: Where’s Elka? She said this thing had no symptoms and I’m out there limping around like Dr. House.
Melanie: Elka said she looked it up on Wikipedia.
Victoria: Wikipedia? Wikipedia says that I’m 37. And I should know. I’m the one who “corrected” it.
Joy: Okay, calm down. I’ll look it up online.
Victoria: Oh. I’m terribly sorry. Uh So in, in terms of publicity, I was thinking–
Dr. Moore: Miss Chase, when exactly were you diagnosed?
Victoria: Uh, last week. Why?
Dr. Hernandez: The most acute symptoms occur within the first week of onset. By now, you should be having trouble with facial drooping, involuntary body spasms, word slurring, hysteria.
Victoria: Boy, this thing is awful.
Dr. Moore: Yes, it is. That’s why we applaud your courage in going public with such a disfiguring disease.
Victoria: Disfiguring? Who said anything about disfiguring?
Dr. Moore: Well. There’s that hysteria. Miss Chase, I understand why you’re wearing this scarf, but may we just take a look?
Victoria: Oh, um, listen. Could you just excuse me for just one more second?
Joy: Wow. This sucker’s got a lot of symptoms.
Victoria: No shissh, Sherlock.
Joy: Good luck faking the goiter.
Victoria: Goiter? Oh, my God. That’s why they wanted to see my neck. Oh, good Lord.
Melanie: Ooh.
Joy: It worked.
Melanie: Yay.
Joy: She says she loves you and she’s sorry and– oh, she’s sending you a picture. Perky.
Melanie: Just erase it. He’s coming.
Joy: Done.
Melanie: Hey, Will. We found your phone.
Will: Oh, awesome, thanks. Oh, no.
Melanie: What, is something wrong?
Will: It’s just this girl, Stephanie, I have to break up with.
Melanie: What?
Will: She’s kind of psycho and we dated a couple months. Now she thinks we’re engaged.
Melanie: Yeah, because you proposed to her.
Will: Were you spying on my phone?
Melanie: Ugh Oh, honey, yes. And that’s how I found out you were engaged. And I went crazy so I texted back. And then we broke up, but then we got back together again, and now she thinks that you love her more than ever. Oh, honey, I just wanted things to be better between us.
Will: By doing something completely shady. How could I ever trust you again?
Melanie: Oh Honey. No, Will. I’m sorry.
Joy: Well, on the plus side he’s not getting married. And you raised a son with enough character to break up with the wrong girl even though she has a truly spectacular set of knockers.
Victoria: And the reason I don’t have a goiter is because as an actress, my My vocal chords are so highly developed.
Dr. Moore: Well, it’s coming. Now, um, Miss Chase, which of your parents is Asian?
Victoria: What?
Dr. Moore: Well, the disease is only carried by people of asian descent, so–
Victoria: ah. Yes. Well, my father, Yoshi, is Asian. Okay, you know what? I just–I can’t do this. You see, I don’t really have the disease.
Dr. Hernandez: What?
Victoria: I just said that I did because I thought it would help me win an Emmy.
Dr. Moore: Well, that’s reprehensible.
Victoria: I know. I–I feel terrible.
Dr. Hernandez: As you should. Although, in the last week, she has brought the foundation a great deal of money and attention.
Dr. Moore: It would be nice not to share offices with the toenail fungus people.
Victoria: Wait, what are you saying?
Dr. Moore: Well, um If you attend our fundraising event next week, we promise not tell everyone that you’re a despicable liar.
Victoria: Well, I guess that I, I don’t really have a leg to stand on.
Dr. Moore: No, and while we’re on that subject, work on your limping. Oh, and get dark glasses. You’ll be blind by then.
Joy: Oh, there you are. Your Mum went out looking for you.
Will: I know. Oh, I lost her two streets over.
Joy: Look, she made a mistake. But she was just trying to get you to talk.
Will: I know.
Joy: And how does that make you feel?
Will: What?
Joy: Never mind. I’m gonna tell you how it makes you feel. See, for the past week, I’ve been seeing therapists and they’ve been trying to get me to talk. But I don’t like it. Partly because it’s none of their bloody business. But mostly because I’m afraid if I do start to open up and let it out, I might completely fall apart. Is that how it makes you feel?
Will: Yeah, that’s pretty much it. So I just don’t wanna talk about it at all.
Joy: But it doesn’t make you any less angry, does it?
Will: No.
Joy: Look, I understand. My dad left my mum and it really messed with my head and my trust. And when I was in my 20s, I let my guard down, fell madly in love, planned a huge wedding, and the guy didn’t show up.
Will: Wow, that really sucks.
Joy: No kidding.
Will: Must have been so humiliating.
Joy: I don’t like to dwell on it.
Will: I mean, just standing up there in your wedding dress and all those people staring at you?
Joy: The point is, I know a little bit about anger. And it’s not healthy to hold on to it or to take it out on other people. Especially someone as sweet as your Mum. It’s killing her that she can’t connect with you.
Will: I gotta tell you, whoever that guy was, it was his loss.
Joy: Thank you.
Will: Because you must have been so hot back then.
Joy: Yes. Way back then. Oh. Here she is now. Talk to her. It’ll be fine. I promise.
Melanie: Hi, sweetie. Listen, um I don’t know what to say.
Will: Neither do I. But we can try.
Melanie: Really?
Will: Yeah. So where do you wanna start? Well, the fact that dad’s engaged to a 25-year-old or that I think I have a crush on Joy and I’m pretty sure she’s feeling it too?
Melanie: Oh, wow.
Will: All right. So why did Cleveland drop the “a” from its name?
Melanie: Well, the masthead for the newspaper?
Will: Mm-hmm?
Melanie: They figured out that it was, like, not long enough.
Melanie: Well, we’re not bffs yet, but he did promise to text me at least once a week. Thank you, Joy. Oh, hey, how did the foundation fundraiser go?
Victoria: Utterly exhausting. But it’ll be worth it just to see the smile on my face when I win that Emmy. And, of course, announce my miraculous recovery.
Melanie: Yes.
Victoria: You know what? You know, I feel like I really did a good thing. You know, which gives one a certain glow, a little something extra.
Elka: I’ll say.
Victoria: I notice even now a few people looking my way. In fact, quite a few people, like I’m still wearing the goiter, aren’t I?
Elka: Oh, I bet it feels good to get rid of that thing, doesn’t it?
Victoria: Oh, it really does.
Elka: I was talking to the goiter.
Categories: Hot In Cleveland Forever
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