Season: 4
Episode: 7
Title: Magic Diet Candy
Original Air Date: January 9, 2013
Guest Stars:
Michael McMillian: Owen
Juliet Mills: Philipa
Alan Ruck: Reverend Lare
Synopsis: It’s Wilbur’s christening day. Joy gave Owen a long list of lies to memorize. Philipa has come for the christening. At the church the Reverend gets hit in the head. In flashbacks we find that Joy has told Owen to lie about everything and that she is dreading her mothers visit. Melanie is tired of hearing about Victoria talk about Emmet so she gives her “magic diet candy” to distract her each time. Philipa is upset that Wilbur is going to wear a onesie and be christened in a protestant church. Victoria is hysterical because it wasn’t diet candy but real candy and she gained 5 pounds. Philipa comes out with the truth that Simon was going to propose to Joy. Joy is inconsolable and overcome with anger over this. The Reverend does his best to mediate between Joy and Philipa. Later that evening Joy and Philipa talk. They finally resolve their issues.
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Favorite Quotes:
* Reverend: There’s no ruling or winning. This is a House of God, not The Voice.
* Joy: Whose side are you on?
Elka: If you have to ask.
* Elka: Oh, that old pulpit pounder doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. What I actually said was, “Ask anyone, he’s the holiest man around.”
* Reverend: Wow. Well, no wonder you’re upset that Melanie made you fat.
Victoria: What did you just call me?
* Victoria: You know, Philipa, your accent is reminding me of my boyfriend, Sir Emmet Lawson. As you know, he was knighted by your queen.
Philipa: Oh, please. He’s Australian. You might as well knight a sheep.
* Philipa: Nonsense. No God-fearing priest would baptize a child in a onesie.
Joy: He’s not being baptized by a priest. Owen is Protestant.
Philipa: What? He’s being baptized by a heretic? Rejoyla, if this is your idea of a warm welcome, you have failed hideously.
* Owen: It was buried under an avalanche of other lies like amateur pastry chef and Manchester United fan.
Philipa: You don’t root for Man U? Shoot him again!
* Elka: Don’t you think you’re abusing Victoria just a little?
Melanie: Don’t you see how pleasant she’s being?
Elka: It wasn’t a criticism.
* Philipa: When you ask God to free your child from original sin, you should be worried about making him look his best, not how quickly you can unsnap his crotch!
Joy: Mother, this is what Owen wants.
Owen: Actually, Owen just wants this to be over.
* Reverend: Owen, would you please take Wilbur to the altar? We’ll be there soon.
Owen: So, we’re still doing this?
Reverend: I may do it twice. This kid could use the protection.
* Philipa: When he gets older and makes mistakes, don’t be too hard on him. Children aren’t perfect, but they don’t need to know that you know that. The world will tell him he has flaws. Try to be the one that looks at him with the kindest eyes. Oh, it’s getting a bit chilly. I need a sweater. Can I get you anything, Joy?
Joy: No, Mom. I think I got everything I need.
Transcript:
Reverend: Stop! One at a time, tell me what the hell just happened in my church. Joy, why don’t you start?
Joy: I’m sorry we spoiled Wilbur’s christening. But, as usual, it was all my mother’s fault.
Philipa: Oh, twaddle.
Reverend: You did drop a rather large bombshell.
Philipa: Please, I lived through the Blitz. Bombshells were dropping everywhere. People dying. Did anyone die today?
Joy: Not yet.
Reverend: Obviously, there’s a history of conflict issues here. As a trained counselor, perhaps I can help.
Joy: Fine. I welcome having a neutral observer because I know I’ll win!
Philipa: And I have utter confidence that the ruling will be in my favor.
Reverend: There’s no ruling or winning. This is a House of God, not The Voice. Let’s remember, we’re all here for the love of this baby.
Philip: A baby that, until two weeks ago, Rejoyla hadn’t even told me existed. So, point for me.
Reverend: There are no points.
Philipa: But if there were, I’d have one.
Elka: Technically, two. She didn’t tell you about Owen, either.
Joy: Whose side are you on?
Elka: If you have to ask.
Reverend: Could we please just start at the beginning? Joy.
Joy: Well Owen and I needed a church for the christening, and Elka kindly suggested this one.
Joy: I think this church is lovely.
Owen: Do you think your mom’ll like it?
Joy: I hope so. Oh, I’m so looking forward to my dear mother’s arrival.
Philipa: Liar! You never said any such thing.
Joy: Well, maybe I didn’t use those exact words. But that was the gist.
Joy: I think this church is lovely.
Owen: Do you think your mom’ll like it?
Joy: I hope so. Now, if the Xanax I took will just kick in, maybe I can get through one visit with my mother without blowing my brains out.
Owen: She can’t be that bad.
Joy: Poor little lamb. Raised by kind people. You have no natural defenses. Which is why I’ve made you this list. It’s all the lies you’ll have to memorize before she gets here.
Owen: I’m a board-certified cardiologist?
Joy: Mmhmm. Also right-handed. She thinks lefties are lazy.
Owen: What if she asks where I went to right-handed medical school?
Joy: Well, it’s all in the appendix. Oh, and here’s your forged prescription pad. Thanks for the Xanax, by the way.
Melanie: Hey, sorry we’re late, but Victoria had to tell everyone we met all about her famous new boyfriend, including the street mime.
Victoria: He asked. Okay, maybe not in so many words.
Elka: That is a disgrace.
Melanie: Oh, Elka, not this again. She’s head of the restoration committee for the fresco, and she thinks the restorer’s taking too long.
Elka: Well, he is. Give me a box of paints and a six-pack of beer. I’ll knock that baby out tonight.
Melanie: Well, Reverend Lare said he was very pleased with the way the work is going.
Elka: Oh, that old pulpit pounder doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.
Elka: What I actually said was, “Ask anyone, he’s the holiest man around.”
Reverend: Uh huh.
Victoria: Apropos of holes in the ground, my boyfriend, Sir Emmet Lawson, is quite devoted to golf.
Reverend: You’re dating Emmet Lawson?
Victoria: Oh, if it’s a sin to love, then I am guilty.
Reverend: Wow. Well, no wonder you’re upset that Melanie made you fat.
Victoria: What did you just call me?
Reverend: I-I mean, uh point for you.
Philipa: I thought we weren’t doing points.
Reverend: I’m on board now.
Melanie: Okay, I do feel guilty that I made Victoria gain weight, but she just wouldn’t stop with the Sir Emmet Lawson talk. It gets old.
Joy: It really does.
Elka: Honest to God.
Victoria: It’s him. My boyfriend, Sir Emmet Lawson. Hello, my boyfriend Sir Emmet Lawson.
Melanie: I’m glad she’s in love, I just wish I could get her to shut up about it.
Elka: When I’m training dogs, I use positive reinforcement. Reward good behavior with a treat.
Melanie: She is pretty suggestible. But she doesn’t eat treats. Unless I could say my P.R. firm is test-marketing an experimental weight loss treat. Is this a buttery caramel, or is it a magic diet candy?
Victoria: Magic diet candy? Where? I want.
Philipa: Am I ever going to get a chance to speak? Rejoyla always accuses me of being judgmental. And though I was a bit shocked that my grandson out of wedlock had his own son out of wedlock, one must go with the times. So I arrived for my visit as an open and loving grandmother.
Philipa: Oh, there’s the little bastard!
Joy: Seriously, Mother? “Little bastard”?
Elka: It’s still better than Wilbur.
Philipa: Baby can’t understand a word I’m saying. Can he, Doctor?
Owen: Who? Oh. Yes, yes, of course. As a board-certified cardiologist, that’s not really my specialty.
Philipa: It was Stanford, right?
Owen: Owen.
Philipa: I was talking about your medical school.
Owen: Oh, right! Of course. Big Stanford dude, yeah. I really miss California?
Victoria: You know, Philipa, your accent is reminding me of my boyfriend, Sir Emmet Lawson. As you know, he was knighted by your queen.
Philipa: Oh, please. He’s Australian. You might as well knight a sheep.
Victoria: But could that sheep win academy awards? – And speaking of awards–
Melanie: Victoria, magic diet candy?
Victoria: Oh, thank you.
Melanie: Um, maybe you could open a bottle of wine for us.
Victoria: Mm, of course.
Melanie: And while you’re in there, maybe a tray of hors d’oeuvres.
Victoria: Great idea.
Philipa: Here is the latest edition of the baby book I used.
Owen: Let Them Cry: The British Guide to Raising Children. The pages are all blank.
Philipa: You don’t read it. It’s for spanking.
Joy: You see what I’m dealing with?
Philipa: Oh, calm down, Rejoyla. It’s a joke. Laughter’s the best medicine, isn’t it, Doctor?
Owen: As a board-certified cardiologist that’s not really my specialty.
Philipa: Now, here is baby Wilbur’s real gift.
Melanie: That’s funny. Good one.
Philipa: Don’t be cheeky. Scroggs have been christened in this gown for generations.
Joy: Yeah, but as I mentioned on the phone, he’s wearing a simple cotton onesie.
Philipa: Nonsense. No God-fearing priest would baptize a child in a onesie.
Joy: He’s not being baptized by a priest. Owen is protestant.
Philipa: What? He’s being baptized by a heretic? Rejoyla, if this is your idea of a warm welcome, you have failed hideously.
Owen: Could be worse. When I first came here last year, they shot me.
Philipa: What?
Joy: Owen, no.
Owen: Oh! Accidentally, of course. Nothing serious. Although sometimes I still get a little numbness.
Philipa: You told me that you met Owen and Wilbur two weeks ago, and now I find out that you shot him last year? And you’ve been keeping my grandchildren from me for some whatever– ridiculous– Oh oh
Joy: Oh, God, what is it now?
Philipa: Oh, it’s it’s just a chest pain. From the impact of this lie, no doubt. It’s nothing, it’s nothing. I’m sure it’s right, doctor?
Owen: As a board certified cardiologist, that’s– Oh, God, I think this actually is my specialty.
Philipa: I could have died!
Joy: The only thing you could have died from is overacting! You’ve had more fake heart attacks than Fred Sanford! And you–how could you forget number 67 on the list– we met two weeks ago. Number 67!
Owen: Shouldn’t that have been a little higher on the list, like, I don’t know, maybe number one? It was buried under an avalanche of other lies like amateur pastry chef and Manchester United fan.
Philipa: You don’t root for Man U? Shoot him again!
Elka: This is fun. I’m glad I stayed.
Victoria: I don’t know why we are focusing on these harmless lies when one of us has been literally disfigured!
Reverend: Who was disfigured?
Victoria: Me! I gained three pounds on those candies.
Melanie: Five. I turned your scale back.
Victoria: Damn her. Damn her to hell.
Philipa: He can’t. He’s protestant. It’s all carrot and no stick with these people.
Melanie: Victoria, I’m sorry. I just wanted you to stop talking about Emmet. I guess I got carried away.
Victoria: I did unspeakable things for you.
Melanie: Thank you for going to the post office.
Victoria: You’re welcome.
Melanie: It’s my dress for the christening. It’s the one the good wife wore to visit big in prison.
Victoria: No, no. No, that’s the same dress that I ordered to wear to the christening.
Melanie: Oh, dear, what a dilemma. Whatever shall we do?
Victoria: Why don’t you wear the dress this time, because I’m gonna be so thin, I won’t be able to fit into mine after all that diet candy.
Melanie: Oh, thank you. You’re the best! You’re a good girl. Yes, you are. Maybe you could steam it for me too?
Elka: Don’t you think you’re abusing Victoria just a little?
Melanie: Don’t you see how pleasant she’s being?
Elka: It wasn’t a criticism.
Melanie: So what are you doing?
Elka: Oh, I’m just looking at some of my old paintings.
Melanie: What, you did these?
Elka: I did all the artwork in this house.
Melanie: That’s amazing! Oh, I wish I could paint like this.
Elka: Well, you can. It’s as easy as one, two, three. One is yellow, two is blue, and three is red.
Victoria: Wait a minute. We have paint-by-number art on our walls? Have you forgotten that I am dating Sir Emmet Lawson?
Melanie: I don’t think anyone can forget that.
Elka: And don’t you have bigger things to worry about Tubby?
Victoria: How can my skirt be tighter than I remember? I’ve been eating a ton of magic diet candy.
Melanie: Well, the way the magic works is sometimes you gain a teeny bit of weight in the beginning, but you’ll definitely start losing it.
Victoria: I can barely breathe in this thing! Melanie, pray with me that the candy kicks in soon. Dear Lord Please look with favor on the magic candy of my dear friend Melanie, your servant–
Melanie: Okay, Victoria, stop. Stop before I get hit by lighting. Um I’m gonna tell you something.
Victoria: Jesus!
Melanie: Is lord.
Joy: All right, now we’re up to the christening part. And you know how well that went.
Reverend: Mrs. Scroggs, will your husband be joining us?
Philipa: Hard to say. He went out for groceries haven’t heard from him since.
Elka: Another fun fact. Both Owen and the baby were born out of wedlock.
Reverend: Well, at least there’s one innocent among us.
Victoria: Thank you.
Reverend: I was referring to the baby.
Victoria: Well, you certainly couldn’t have been referring to Melanie. She’s a sinner and a liar and a betrayer.
Melanie: Getting you to shut up about your boyfriend was worth a few bags of candy.
Victoria: Bags?
Reverend: Oh, my shall we begin the christening?
Philipa: Is it really a christening if the baby shows up in a dingy old nappy?
Joy: Again, Wilbur is wearing a onesie. He’s comfortable.
Philipa: When you ask God to free your child from original sin, you should be worried about making him look his best, not how quickly you can unsnap his crotch!
Joy: Mother, this is what Owen wants.
Owen: Actually, Owen just wants this to be over.
Philipa: Rejoyla, I simply don’t understand why you dismiss all my wishes after everything I’ve done for you.
Joy: Everything you’ve done for me? Oh, please. Name one thing you’ve ever done for me.
Philipa: Saved you from a miserable marriage to that teenage hooligan who got you pregnant.
Joy: Oh, what are you talking about? Simon never asked me to marry him.
Philipa: Because I stopped him!
Joy: What?
Owen: What?
Victoria: What?
Elka: It’s a miracle!
Joy: She completely changed the course of my life without even consulting me. I thought Simon abandoned me. Which is probably what messed up my relationship with men ever since.
Elka: She’s right. She cannot pick ’em.
Reverend: Owen, would you please take Wilbur to the altar? We’ll be there soon.
Owen: So, we’re still doing this?
Reverend: I may do it twice. This kid could use the protection. Now, I’m going to dispense with the lesser transgressions first. Melanie, what you did was wrong. You can make it up to Victoria by doing her bidding for a week. And listening to her endless Emmet Lawson stories.
Melanie: So a normal week.
Victoria: Thank you.
Reverend: Now you. You turned St. John into a monkey.
Elka: In my defense, the Bible never said what he looked like.
Reverend: It would have if he looked like a monkey. Now, rather than restore the painting, we’re gonna go with the whole animal motif and turn it into a Noah’s ark thing.
Elka: Fine. I’ll get my brushes.
Reverend: No, you won’t. We’re gonna hire a real artist.
Elka: I know just the artist.
Reverend: It’s not you.
Elka: Fine. I’ll take my talent to the temple down the street. Shalom.
Reverend: Now to the heart of the matter.
Joy: Finally. Simon wanted to marry me, and you turned him away. How could you?
Philipa: You were teenagers. He didn’t have a job. But mostly because I knew you’d say yes. I was thinking about you. But also about that little baby and what was best for him.
Joy: That was not your choice. And I think what’s best for me now is that you and I – never–
Reverend: Joy. Excuse me. Mrs. Scroggs, could you give us a moment?
Philipa: Fine. I was going to ask for a cigarette break anyway. Now that I know my grandson isn’t a cardiologist, I feel I can smoke as much as I want.
Joy: Why did you send her out? I need her to hear all the ways she’s hurt me.
And I need for her to say she’s sorry for everything she’s done!
Reverend: Joy, please. People often ask me to mediate confrontations with their parents, hoping to get the same thing you want. But 99 out of 100 times, what they get is a defensive, wounded parent who remembers things differently. And the relationship only worsens.
Joy: I’ll take those odds. I need this.
Reverend: Look, you need to do what you think is right, but maybe you could take a cue from Melanie.
Joy: What do you mean?
Reverend: Sometimes we get more of what we want with candy.
Joy: What, so I’m just supposed to forgive her?
Reverend: We are pretty big on forgiveness here.
Joy; Well, can you recommend a church that’s big on revenge? Because I want to go there.
Victoria: Oh, and then Emmet texted me the funniest thing from London. Wait, I want to get it word for word. Uh, “I’m performing at the Old Vic, but I’m dating the young Vic.” Oh.
Philipa: Has anyone seen Joy?
Melanie: She’s out on the porch.
Philipa: Elka, you’re painting again.
Elka: It’s a present for you.
Philipa: Really?
Elka: It’s Wilbur, in the christening gown you gave him.
Philipa: Rejoyla. We have to talk sometime.
Joy: Well, I definitely have something to say to you.
Philipa: Go ahead. Let me have it.
Joy: What I want to say is thank you.
Philipa: What?
Joy: You were right. I would have married Simon, it wouldn’t have lasted, and I would’ve been a single mother. You knew how hard that was, and you wanted to spare me. And also although I haven’t exactly enjoyed your constant, lifelong criticism, I do realize it’s because you want the best for me.
Philipa: And that’s all you’ve ever wanted.
Owen: All clean. Boy, kids are a lot of work.
Philipa: Owen, would you mind a bit of advice?
Owen: Okay, sure.
Philipa: When he gets older and makes mistakes, don’t be too hard on him. Children aren’t perfect, but they don’t need to know that you know that. The world will tell him he has flaws. Try to be the one that looks at him with the kindest eyes. Oh, it’s getting a bit chilly. I need a sweater. Can I get you anything, Joy?
Joy: No, Mom. I think I got everything I need.
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